GleeWrite: Season 1
by Charlie Perks
Summary: Where I twist canon around until it makes sense. "A high school Spanish teacher becomes the director of the school's Glee Club, hoping to restore it to its former glory." Follows Season 1 of Glee. I literally own nothing. The only thing I get out of this is enjoyment, I hope you will too. For more information on the story, check out my profile.
1. From The Top

**A/N: I'm very nervous to post this if I'm being honest. I know how volatile the Glee fandom can be, but after being endlessly frustrated by this show for years but not having the strength or really the desire to quit it I have decided to have my own little corner of the internet where everything is the way I think it should be. This is mostly for my own pleasure, but if anyone at all enjoys this as well then I'll be more than happy to share this with you. If you don't appreciate my changes and feel like ranting about how much I suck, leave your hate elsewhere. Now, without further ado, please enjoy the first episode of GleeWrite: 1x01 From The Top.**

* * *

A nervous fifteen year old Will Schuester peers out from behind the curtain to stare at the massive crowd. There had to be thousands of people out there. He was about to perform with his high school glee club, The Singsations, at the 1993 Show Choir Nationals. His nerves continue to grow before he hears the voice of his teacher, Lillian Adler.

"Show circle, everybody!" she calls. Soon she is surrounded by a group of forty or so teenagers, Will included, all decked out in colorful 70s' disco garb. Mrs. Adler is a plump, jolly woman, who in her old age has to use a walker to support herself. In spite of this she displays as much excitement as the students less than half her age and a wisdom all her own.

"Welcome to Nationals!" she continues. Her students cheer together, high fives and smiles all around. "That's fantastic," she compliments, "Use that excitement on stage today. I want you guys to remember something. Glee Club is not about competition. It's about something deeper. Realizing your potential… utilizing your gifts. Even by its very definition in Mr. Webster's book: '_Glee is about opening yourself up to joy.'_" She gives her kids a meaningful look. "Eyebrows up, everybody. Bust a move!"

All the kids' hands joined in the middle, connecting low to the ground and with a chant of "_Aaaamazing_!" they raise them high into the air.

**That's the Way (I Like It) / (Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty by KC and the Sunshine Band**

**Performed by The Singsations**

**Let's Dance!  
Oh, that's the way, uh huh, uh huh  
I like it, uh huh, uh huh  
That's the way, uh huh, uh huh  
I like it, uh huh, uh huh**

Shake, shake, shake  
Shake, shake, shake  
Shake your booty  
Shake your booty

That's the way, uh huh, uh huh  
I like it, uh huh!

While Lillian Adler is weeping with pride as the crowd goes wild, Will feels a true sense of happiness; he knows they are leaving as National Champions.

* * *

**"GLEE"**

* * *

Sixteen years later a now thirty-one year old Will Schuester drives his car into the parking lot of William McKinley High School, the muffler dragging against the asphalt. Out of the car steps a tall man, with green eyes and curly, dark blond hair. As he walks towards the school, carrying a brown bag lunch in one hand and his briefcase in the other, he spots a group of students by the dumpsters. They consist mostly of members of the football team, The McKinley Titans, and oddly enough, flamboyant sophomore Kurt Hummel, baby-faced, blue eyed, and pale.

"Making some new friends, Kurt?" he asks, totally oblivious as the slight brunet boy widens his eyes, pleading for help.

"He sure is, Mr. Schue," answers Noah Puckerman, a tan skinned troublemaker with a letterman jacket and a Mohawk.

"Hey, Finn," the teacher begins, singling out Quarterback Finn Hudson, brown eyes and hair and extremely tall for his age. "You still owe me that report on _lo que hiciste el verano pasado_."

"What?"

"'_What you did last summer,'"_ Will translates.

"Almost halfway done with almost all of it, Mr. Schue," Finn calls to his teacher's retreating back. As soon as their Spanish teacher is out of sight the boys turn on Kurt.

"It's 'Hammer time.'" Noah Puckerman, better known as Puck, announces.

"Please," Kurt insists as he is lifted by Puck and another jock. "This is from Marc Jacob's new collection!"

"Wait." Finn says. Kurt is immediately lowered back to the ground to shove his bag to one of them and remove his sweater. "Okay." Finn allows, looking conflicted, once the garment is in his hand, and Kurt is unceremoniously thrown into the dumpster.

* * *

Will stands in a hallway, looking at the school trophy case. On a low shelf he can spot the cup labeled, "1993 Show Choir Championships, William McKinley High School, First Place" and to the side of that award there is a portrait of his old show choir director with a plaque that reads, "Lillian Adler, 1937-1997, 'By its very definition, Glee is about opening yourself up to joy.'"

* * *

In the girl's bathroom Rachel Berry, a short Jewish girl with long dark hair and eyes, primps herself while looking into the mirror. Out from the stalls come three cheerleaders: Quinn Fabray, blonde haired, green eyed, and McKinley's Head Bitch in Charge; Santana Lopez, raven manned, Hispanic, Quinn's right hand; and Brittany Pierce, a ditzy blonde girl with blue eyes and dance moves like no other. They spot Rachel as they splash their hands with water.

"Getting ready for the Tranny Prom, Rachel?" Quinn asks rhetorically.

"Don't forget to shave!" Santana adds.

The three Cheerios make their exit, Brittany looking back at Rachel apologetically, but not before they are doused in Rachel's well-timed hairspray application. She maintains a smile, but as soon as they're gone it slips off her face as she stares back at her own reflection.

* * *

Will stands at the front of his class, speaking various sentences in Spanish with his students repeating them. Among the students is Finn Hudson, looking completely out of it as he mindlessly parrots back the words, some of them not coming through.

* * *

In the choir room two people are stationed by the piano. On the bench is middle aged, balding, and severely closeted Glee Club director of Rhythm Explosion, Sandy Ryerson, playing out a tune. Standing beside him is below average singer but above average looking Hank Saunders, staring down at the sheet music.

**Where Is Love? From ****_Oliver!_**

**Performed by Hank Saunders and Sandy Ryerson**

**HANK:  
Where is love? (SANDY: Is love)  
Does it fall from skies above? (SANDY: Ooh)**

HANK and SANDY:  
Is it underneath the willow trees  
That I've been dreaming of?

Sandy reaches out to make sure that Hank is breathing with his diaphragm, but is distracted by the definition he can feel under his students' button up shirt, his hand soon drifting downward.

From the windowed door, Rachel Berry seethes with anger.

* * *

"Where's the coffeepot?" Will asks his friend, slightly overweight and slightly Asian looking football coach, Ken Tanaka.

"Figgins got rid of it. Budget cuts." Ken complains bitterly. "You know, I know for a fact that they're still getting hot java at Carver." He takes a healthy bite from his power bar. "We should strike."

"Hello, boys, who needs a pick-me-up?" asks a tall blonde woman in a track suit. She is blue eyed, late forties to early fifties, and intimidating. She is Sue Sylvester, coach of the McKinley High cheerleading squad. In her hand she presents a carton of to-go cups from the only coffee place in town, The Lima Bean.

"Wow. Lattes." Ken exclaims quietly. He and Will each grab a cup as the doe-eyed and ginger school guidance counselor, Emma Pillsbury, walks in and sits down a table away from the other three.

"Yeah, I'm a bit of a coffee snob." Sue begins, Ken beside her shamelessly checking Emma out. "Now, the key to a perfect latte is in the temperature of the steamed milk. I like mine scalding."

"Hi, Emma," Ken greets.

"Hey, Ken," Emma replies dismissively, reaching for a travel pack of wet wipes.

"Will, hi." Emma says her voice much more welcoming and warm toward him.

"Hey," Will responds in a friendly tone.

"What's with all the lattes?" Emma questions.

"Oh, I just felt so awful that Figgins cut the coffee budget to pay for a nutritionist for the 'Cheerios.'" Sue responds.

"Yeah," Emma says, now retrieving plastic gloves. "I heard you guys went, like, six hundred dollars over budget on that."

"My performers didn't get on Fox Sports Net last year because they ate at _Bacon Junction_." Sue quips.

"Since when are cheerleaders performers?" Emma retorts back quickly.

Will and Ken exchange a look, hoping this won't turn ugly.

Sue stares her down for a moment before finally saying, "Your resentment… is _delicious_." She looks down and checks her watch. "Well, I have a 'phoner' in a couple of minutes. That's an interview on the telephone with a major media outlet." She chuckles as Emma shields her hand in a loose plastic glove. "I'll probably do it on my iPhone. Enjoy."

"Thanks a lot, Sue." Will bids as Sue makes her departure.

Ken makes his way over to Emma's table, sucking in his gut as she puts on the second glove. "I missed you at the, uh, singles mixer last weekend, Emma."

"Yeah, I know." Emma begins wiping down the table as Will takes the remaining seat. "A big pipe exploded in my building. It was wild. I hate those mixer things though, don't you? I mean, it's like a big meat market. It's just— Ew. I did give my number to a fireman, though… But he hasn't… called."

"You know what," Will remarks. "There's someone out there for everyone. I wouldn't even sweat it."

She smiles at him for a moment, Ken looking on not too happily, and she removes her gloves, now done sanitizing the table and reaches for her lunch. "Hey, did you hear that Sandy Ryerson got fired?"

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm,"

"Who's going to take over Glee Club?"

"Don't know." Emma admits, situating the containers that hold her food on the table.

* * *

"I'd like to take over Glee Club." Will states boldly.

"You want to captain the _Titanic_, too?" Principal Figgins asks in his thick Indian accent.

Will sits across from his boss, a mid-forties Indian man with a bald spot, in his office. "I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That's why every one of them has a MySpace page."

Figgins starts crunching some numbers on the calculator lying on his desk. "Sixty bucks a month. That's what I need to keep this program up."

"And you-you expect me to pay it?"

"I'm certainly not going to pay for it." Figgins says bluntly. "We're not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again, you can have all the money you want. Until then, sixty bucks a month. And you've got to use the costumes and props you already have."

* * *

That night, Will lies in bed thinking. Next to him sleeping is his blonde haired, blue eyed and slightly crazy wife, Terri. The comforter is up to their armpits and she is curled away from him as he stares up at the ceiling, contemplating what to do.

_"Hiding the sixty dollars a month from my wife, Terri, was going to be hard. But I had a bigger problem. How was I going to get these kids motivated? One thing I knew for sure, we need a new name."_

Inspiration strikes him and he sits up in excitement.

* * *

The next day at school a blue piece of paper is pinned to the bulletin board, the words, "New Directions, Glee Club, Sign Up" Written across it.

First to approach the sheet and sign their name is a heavyset, dark skinned girl, her hair curly.

_"My name is Mercedes Jones, and I'm singing—"_

**Respect by Aretha Franklin**

**Performed by Mercedes Jones**

**R-E-S-P-E-C-T  
Find out what it means to me  
R-E-S-P-E-C-T  
Take care of TCB  
Oh!  
Hey, baby, yeah!**

The second is Kurt, scoping out the area around him with distaste before leaving his signature.

_"Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing 'Mr. Cellophane.'"_

**Mr. Cellophane from ****_Chicago_**

**Performed by Kurt Hummel**

**Cellophane  
Mister cellophane  
Should have been my name  
Mister cellophane  
'Cause you can look right through me  
Walk right by me  
And never know I'm there  
Never even know…**

As Kurt holds the long high note he takes the time to adjust his hair

** I'm there!**

The next two auditions come together. The girl, Asian, dressed in a punk-Goth style signs the boy's name for him, for the bespectacled boy cannot reach the sheet from his wheelchair.

"_T-Tina C-Cohen-Chang singing "I-I K-Kissed a Girl."_

**I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry**

**Performed by Tina Cohen-Chang**

**It's not what I'm used to  
Just wanna try you on  
I'm curious for you  
Caught my attention!  
I kissed a girl **

On the last word she does a karate chop movement on both her thighs

**And I liked it!**

And the last to make their way toward the sign-up sheet is Rachel Berry, with a wide-eyed look of hope and determination. She signs her name then places a gold star sticker at the end.

_"Hi, my name is Rachel Berry and I'll be singing 'On My Own' from the seminal Broadway classic _Les Mis."

"Fantastic, let's hear it." Mr. Schue encourages from his observing table in the auditorium.

**On My Own from ****_Les Misérables_**

**Performed by Rachel Berry**

**On my own  
Pretending he's beside me**

_"You might laugh_ _because every time I sign my name, I put a gold star after it. But it's a metaphor and metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor for _me_ being a star."_

Rachel turns away from the bulletin board only to have a red slushie thrown in her face by Puck. She stands there in shock as he quickly walks away, blinking cold liquid out of her eyes.

**_*Flashback*_**

After witnessing Mr. Ryerson's assault on Hank, Rachel storms down the hall, headed toward the Principal's office.

_"And just so we're clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor that _I _was the one who turned that closet case Sandy Ryerson in because he gave Hank Saunders the solo _I_ deserved. That's poppycock."_

"Hey was touching Hank, caressing him." Rachel sobs through fake tears. "It was so wrong!"

Principal Figgins looks unmoved by her emotion, but offers her a box of Kleenex to dry her tears. She does so, the beginnings of a smile appearing as she dabs her wet cheeks.

_"I am _not_ homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads." _

Rachel looks fondly upon a strip of photos posted to the inside of her locker taken from a photo booth. The pictures feature Rachel and two men: one light skinned and big nosed with a receding hairline and oval-shaped glasses, the other a mustachioed, dark skinned man, holding an ice cream cone.

_"See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day, we don't know which one is my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing."_

**_*Further Flashback*_**

A young Rachel Berry, wearing an absurd red tutu and feather headdress takes her introductory tap class to the next level, leaving the other girls to stare at her bemused.

_"My dads spoiled me in the arts. I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons, anything to give me a competitive edge."_

**_*End of Further Flashback*_**

Rachel types away on her pink "Hot Stuff" laptop, before setting up her tripod and camera, ready to record another sure to be amazing performance from her bedroom.

_"You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this, but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date._ _I try to post a MySpace video every day, just to keep my talent alive and growing."_

**Without him  
The world around me changes**

_"Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is _the_ most important thing in our culture now. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no one's just gonna hand it to you."_

**I love him  
But every day I'm learning**

The video uploads. The next day at school a group of Cheerios, including Quinn and Santana are sitting on the bleachers, laughing and mocking the video.

**All my life  
I've only been pretending**

That night Rachel is less than pleased with the feedback left in the comments section.

_If I were your parents, I would sell you back._

_I'm going to scratch out my eyes._

_Please get sterilized._

**Without me  
His world will go on turning  
A world that's full of happiness  
That I have never known**

Rachel once again relives Puck's slushie attack.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

**I love him  
I love him  
And I love him  
But only on my own**

"Very nice, Rachel," Mr. Schue compliments.

After a moment Rachel asks, full of confidence, "When do we start rehearsals?"

* * *

It's the club's first rehearsal in the choir room; the five misfits are performing together.

**Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat from ****_Guys and Dolls_**

**Performed by New Directions**

**ARTIE (NEW DIRECTIONS):  
And I said to myself, "Sit down" (Said to myself "Sit down")  
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat (Sit down)  
And I said to myself, "Sit down" (Said to myself "Sit down")  
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat  
And the devil will drag you under (Ohhhh)  
By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat  
Sit down**

ARTIE with NEW DIRECTIONS:  
Sit down, sit down, sit down  
Sit down you're rockin' the boat

KURT with NEW DIRECTIONS:  
Sit down, you're rockin', sit down, sit down  
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat

KURT and TINA:  
Sit down, you're rockin', sit down, sit down  
Sit down, you're rockin' the boat

ARTIE with NEW DIRECTIONS:  
Sit down

TINA with NEW DIRECTIONS:  
You're rockin' the boat

The performance is awkward, and bumpy, with a lot of conflicting personalities. It finally ends with Artie Abrams crashing into the piano and the rest of the kids lined together, their arms out stretched and fingers wiggling.

Rachel is the first to drop her show face. "We suck."

"Uh—it—it'll get there." Will critiques hesitantly. "We just need to keep rehearsing."

"Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in 'Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat' to a boy in a wheelchair?" Rachel questions exasperatedly. Mercedes and Kurt look on, annoyed, as Artie wheels back toward the group, Tina quickly assessing that he's okay.

"I think Mr. Schue's using irony to enhance the performance." Artie defends, adjusting his glasses, as they had gone askew with his crash landing. Will nods to him in agreement.

"There is _nothing_ ironic about show choir!" Rachel insists fiercely. She stares her fellow glee clubbers down for a moment before making her way to the door.

"Rachel. Rachel!" Will calls, but the door slams behind her, cutting him off.

* * *

The Cheerios are out on the football field performing a difficult and amazing routine to the mash-up of "You Can Do It" by Ice Cube and "You Keep Me Hanging On" by The Supremes. Quinn, Santana, and Brittany are visible among the squad of twenty cheerleaders, fourteen girls and six guys. As the routine comes to a close, one of the girls at the top of the two leader pyramid falls and is caught by two male Cheerios in a fireman's catch.

In front of them is their relentless coach, Sue Sylvester, shouting through a bullhorn. "You think this is hard? Try being water boarded, _that's hard_. And _that_ was sloppy! You're sloppy babies! It's just disgraceful! And I want the agony out of your eyes!" Mr. Schue walks across them, headed up the bleachers where Rachel is watching the routine. As Will makes his way up toward her one male Cheerio bursts into tears. "Uh-uh, Lance, don't you start crying! You are the weak link, pal! How's it feel to be the weak link, huh?! That can't feel very good!"

Neither Will nor Rachel look at each other as he takes a seat in the row above her. Not knowing how to start the conversation, he just speaks his mind. "You're the best kid in there, Rachel. That comes with a price."

At this she turns around to face him. "Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away, and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it."

"You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer." He assures.

"Everybody hates me."

"And you think Glee Club is going to change that?"

"Being great at something is going to change it. Being a part of something special makes you special, right?" she asks him imploringly. "I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally. Both Artie and Kurt's voices are great, but neither of them possesses the leadership quality this club needs. I can't do it by myself."

"Maybe I can coach Artie a little. I—"

"Look, Mr. Schue," Rachel interrupts, turning away from him to face the field again. "I really appreciate what you're trying to do. But if you can't give me what I need, then I'm sorry. I'm not gonna make a fool out of myself. I can't keep wasting my time with Glee. It hurts too much."

The sound of a whistle being blown has Will's head perking up. Down at the bottom of the stands is Ken in a red and white (the McKinley colors) golf cart.

"Schuester!" he calls. "Figgins wants ya!" he hits the gas and drives further down the pitch.

* * *

"But we _just _started rehearsals."

Figgins speaks, not even looking up from his calculator. "My hands are tied, Schue. I need the auditorium. Alcoholics Anonymous wants to rent it out for their afternoon meetings. Lots of drunks in this town; they're paying me ten bucks a head."

"But we don't even need the auditorium half the time; you don't need to shut down the club for it." Will protests.

"It's not only that." Figgins continues, his voice still monotone. "There is only so much money in the school budget, Will, and your bid to keep the Glee Club going was the last and least important on my roster. And since this lucrative deal with the AA is already taking half of your rehearsal space I thought it to be the wisest decision."

"If we show at Regionals, Glee stays; if not, the bar's open in the auditorium." Will argues.

"What is it with you and this club? You've got only _five_ kids."

"Then I guess you've got nothing to worry about." Will counters.

Figgins sighs before asking. "How many teams compete at Regionals?"

"Three." Will responds quickly.

"Fine," Figgins relents after a moment of the two men staring each other down. "If your Glee Club wins second or first place at Regionals then the club will remain permanent within the school."

"Yes!" Mr. Schue exclaims excitedly, pumping his fist.

"But you're running detention for free to make it up to me."

Will hesitates for a moment before agreeing. "Deal,"

* * *

Will's wife, Terri Schuester, is at the home goods store where she is Assistant Manager, Sheets-N-Things. She stands by a shelf demonstrating to her Assistant-Assistant Manager, Howard Bamboo, a slightly dopey man of Hawaiian descent, how to fold a fitted sheet.

"You put your hands in the corners like this." She says doing just that with the green fabric in her hands, before handing it to him. "Okay?"

"I can't do it. I'm dyslexic. Maybe I should just stick to towels and washcloths."

"Howard, if you can't fold a fitted sheet, you cannot work at Sheets-N-Things."

A bell dings from near the cash register, a man calling out, "Associate return."

"Go." Terri insists. Howard turns to leave, but momentarily stops as she continues. "Make sure they have a receipt." And he slumps away in fatigue.

"Someone looks beautiful today." Is Will's form of greeting as he approaches his wife. "Hi,"

"Hi, you look very handsome." She compliments, leaning in for a kiss.

"Thank you." He says after pecking her lips. He presents from behind his back a white paper bag. "Roast beef on pumpernickel—your favorite."

"Aw," she coos. "Oh, does it have mayo?"

"Yeah?" Will asks confusedly.

"Will, if my diabetes comes back, I can't get pregnant." She chastises, lightly. "What is wrong with you?"

He sighs heavily. "Well, I just wanted to tell you that I'm gonna have to start workin' late for the next… couple months. I'm, uh, monitoring after-school detention."

"What?"

"I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn't kill Glee Club."

"But, Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day, three times a week here. Now I have to go home and I have to cook dinner for myself?" she finishes with a scoff.

"This lady wants to return these sheets." Howard says upon his own return. "But something tells me we've got another bed wetter." In his hands is a blue and green striped sheet with a large yellow stain in the middle.

Terri sighs, exasperated, before turning to Will. "Do you see what I have to deal with here, hmm?" Terri hands the lunch bag back to Will and takes the sheet from Howard's hands as they head toward the register. "God, hasn't she ever heard of a diaper?"

From the next aisle over Will hears a customer complaining loudly. "Of course, towels have a thread count, Mister… Sheets-N-Things." The voice is familiar to him, so he pushes aside a stack of plastic wrapped pillow cases to see that it's Sandy Ryerson, the man he replaced, arguing with a Sheets-N-Things employee. "What do _you_ do?_ I_ read catalogues. I know these things." Trying to avoid an awkward moment, Will attempts to leave while Sandy continues to rant at the blasé young worker. "Anything under a 400 thread count and I could break out in impetigo. It's simple to understand."

Mr. Schue thinks he's almost home free when Sandy calls his name. "William?"

Caught, Will pretends to have not seen him. "Sandy? Hey."

The employee walks away quickly as Sandy approaches Will. "Well, hello. How are things? I hear _you_ have taken over Glee Club."

"Yeah… I hope you're not too upset."

Sandy's confrontational demeanor suddenly does a one-eighty. "Are you kidding? Getting out of that swirling eddy of despair—best thing that ever happened to me!" he ends on a whistle. Will chuckles in relief. "Don't get me wrong," Sandy continues as they start walking together. "It wasn't easy at first." He reaches for a circular pink pillow with a plush brown trimming, a cartoon monkey on the front with the words '_Everyone has a price…'_ embroidered on the front. "Being dismissed, and for what I was accused of? My long-distance girlfriend in Cleveland nearly broke up with me—Oh, god, don't you love a good monkey?" he puts the pillow in the basket he's carrying. "Took me weeks to get over my nervous breakdown."

"Did they put you on medication?"

"Better. Medical marijuana. _It's genius!_ I just tell my Dr. Feelgood I'm having trouble sleeping, and he gives me_ all of it I want_. Sure I have to drive to Michigan to get it, but there is a certain rush you get when passing the state boarder. I'm finding the whole system quite lucrative."

Will is shocked by all of this. "You're a _drug dealer_?"

"Oh, yeah… make five times more than when I was a teacher. I keep some for myself, and then I take money baths in the rest."

"Who-who do you sell it to?"

**_*Flashback*_**

Sandy meets Ken Tanaka under the bleachers at McKinley High School, where they quickly exchange a packet of pot and a roll of cash, keeping a watchful eye on the area around them.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

"You want in?" Sandy propositions, shoving a small manila packet in his face titled 'Chronic Lady.'

"Uh, no," Will declines, enthusiastically. "I mean, I tried it once in college, but Terri and I are trying to get pregnant, so—"

"I do my own packaging and the first sample's free." Sandy encourages through Will's protest, slipping the packet into the breast pocket of his dress shirt. "Come on, you are the one who is coaching those tone-deaf acne factories. You're gonna need it."

Just then the Sheets-N-Things employee returns carrying a red, fuzzy toilet seat cover.

"What?" Sandy asks upon seeing it. He snatches it from the worker. "This looks like barf. Okay? I have to do everything myself. Call me." Sandy says to Will, lifting the cover to his ear as if it were a phone, before beckoning to his lackey. "Come on. What's the matter with you?"

Will finally breaks for the exit as the tattooed young man rolls his eyes.

* * *

**_With Sue_**

Will enters Sue Sylvester's office while she is dusting one of her _many _cheerleading trophies with a special mitt just for the occasion. "Hey, Sue. Can I have a sec?"

Sue gives a stern look while facing away from him, but as soon as she turns around she has a smile on her face and a friendly, "Sure, buddy, c'mon in!" to offer the Spanish teacher. Will smiles at her appreciatively before closing the door and taking the seat across from her desk.

**_With Emma_**

Emma is walking through the campus courtyard when she steps on a patch of used gum stuck along the sidewalk. She immediately freaks out, seeking sanctuary on the bench beside her. Will happens to be walking by and seeking her advice, so he approaches.

"Hey, Emma, you got a second?"

Emma is still trying to contain her complete freak out over her gumshoe.

"What is that? Gum?" Will asks, spotting the pink spot on the bottom of the right sole of her heels. She looks up at him, nodding, on the verge of an anxiety attack.

**_With Sue_**

"So you want to talk to my Cheerios about joining Glee Club?"

"Well, I need more kids—Performers." Sue takes out a large jar of 'Whey Tech Pro 24, Vanilla' to start concocting a protein shake. "And all the best ones are in the Cheerios. So, I figured some of them might want to double up."

"Okay," Sue begins, taking out a special mixing mug and filling it with some powder from the jug. "So what you're doing right now is called blurring the lines. High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks, your popular kids, up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action druids and trolls out in the forest, bottom floor."

"And… where do the Glee kids lie?"

"Sub-basement,"

**_With Emma_**

Will is scraping the gum off of Emma's shoe with a credit card where they are seated on the bench together as she gives him her two cents. "Sue's not wrong. But I don't think anything's set in stone. I mean, kids are gonna do what they think is cool, which is not always who they are. You just need to find a way to get them out of their boxes."

"Well how do I do that?" Will asks, looking up at her.

"They follow the leader. You know, if you can get a couple of the popular kids to sign up, the rest will fall right in line.

**_With Ken_**

Will in jogging alongside Ken on his golf cart as they circle the football field. Will is sweating slightly through his shirt while Ken eats another power bar.

"I just want to talk to them."

"I don't know, dude." Ken says skeptically. "I can't see any of my guys wanting to join the Glee club. Last month, they held down one of their own teammates, shaved off his eyebrows just because he watched _Grey's Anatomy_."

"Look, all I'm looking for is an introduction."

"Fine," Ken concedes, taking a bite of the bar and speeding up to pass Will. "You gotta put a good word in for me with Emma.

**_With Emma_**

Will gets the last of the sticky pink substance off the bottom of Emma's shoe.

"There you go, Cinderella." Will says jokingly.

"Thank you." Emma says, looking at the underside of her footwear. "I have trouble with things like that. The, um—the messy things." Will wipes the bubblegum off his credit card and onto the underside of the bench. "It's really nice how much you care about Glee. About the kids."

**_With Sue_**

"If you really care about these kids, you'll leave well enough alone. Children like to know where they stand. So let your little Glee kids have their little club. But don't pretend that _any_ of them are something they're not." This is Sue's final word before starting her travel blender.

* * *

In the boy's locker room Ken and Will stand before the football team in front of their dry erase strategy board. Ken blows the whistle around his neck to get their attention.

"Circle up!" Ken calls as several of the football players seat themselves on benches. "Now Mr. Schuester is gonna talk to you. You don't listen, you do laps. You mouth off, you do laps. Got it?" he aims a look at Puck who rolls his eyes the minute Coach Tanaka looks away. "They're all yours, Will."

"Thanks, Ken." Will says before addressing the crowd. "Hey, guys. How you doing? I think I recognize some of you from Spanish class. But, um, I'm here today to talk to you about something different. Uh, music." He chuckles nervously, and misses that only one person, Finn Hudson, is listening with interest. "Glee club needs guys."

Unexpectedly the first to speak up is Puck, who raises his hand and says "I can sing."

"Really?" Mr. Schue asks. "That's fantastic."

"You wanna hear?"

"Yeah," Will chuckles, not believing his luck.

Puck struts out in front of his teammates as they all applaud. He joins Mr. Schue and Coach Tanaka at the front and closes his eyes, as if some meaningful melody is about to come bursting out before he promptly farts on Mr. Schue. "Oh, yeah!" he exclaims as his buddies cheer and laugh. Ken taps him on his shoulder and mouths the word 'Laps' before Puck struts back over to the lockers and high-fives Finn.

"I'm gonna put the sign-up sheet at the door of the locker room." Will continues, sounding a little more defeated. "So if anyone wants to sign up, please… thank you."

Ken blows the whistle again. "Dismissed! Puck, in my office in five minutes."

The team gets up to leave and Will turns to Ken. "You been sleeping okay? Your eyes look a little… bloodshot."

Ken looks around, paranoid for a second. "I got allergies." Will taps his shoulder, bidding him thanks once again before leaving. When he's gone, Ken takes a bottle of eye drops from out of his pocket and drips them in.

* * *

Later on that day Will has come back to check on the sign-up sheet, he is not happy with what he finds.

_Gaylord Weiner_

_Butt Lunch_

_._

_._

_._

_Penis_

_"I honestly thought that was the end of the very brief fever dream that was the New Directions."_

**Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon**

**Performed by Finn Hudson**

**And even as I wander  
I'm keeping you in sight**

Will rounds the corner of lockers to see Quarterback Finn Hudson singing from the locker room showers.

**You're a candle in the window  
On a cold, dark winter's night  
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might**

Since there's no music, Finn imitates drumming, turning and completely rocking out

**And I can't fight this feeling anymore**

_"I suddenly realized why I had wanted to do this thing in the first place."_

**I've forgotten what I've started fighting for**

_"It was seeing the gift in a kid that they didn't even know they had._

**And I can't fight this feeling anymore**

_"It was pure talent."_

**Even if I have to crawl upon your floor  
Come crashing through your door  
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore**

_"What I did then was the blackest moment of my life."_

* * *

Will sits in his office at his desk opposite Finn Hudson. He slides the packet of marijuana Sandy had given him and asks. "You want to tell me how long you've had a drug problem?"

Finn is nervous and stammering, he doesn't know why this is happening to him. "I-I-I don't even know who the 'Chronic Lady' is!"

"Look, if it were up to me, we wouldn't have mandatory biweekly locker checks."

"But I've never seen that before, Mr. Schue. I swear. It's not mine! I'll pee in a cup!" Will starts to become nervous. If he submits to testing his whole plan falls apart. "I'll pee."

"Look, it wouldn't make any difference. Possession is eight-tenths of the law. I'm pretty sure that much pot is a felony." Finn buries his head in his hands. "Look, you'll get kicked out of school... You'll lose your football scholarship…"

"Wait, I-I had a football scholarship? To-To where?"

"You could land in prison, son." Will intones seriously, trying not to look at a flier pinned to the bulletin board beside him: PRIORITY #1 'HELP THE KIDS.'

"Oh, my god, please, don't tell my mom." Finn pleads.

Will sighs heavily, feigning disappointment. "Look, I see a lot of myself in you, Finn. I know what it's like to struggle to make good life choices, and I don't want to see you throw away everything you have to offer the world. I just expected more out of you."

_"That really got to me when Mr. Schuester said that, because every day of my life, I expect more out of myself. See, I might look confident and everything, but I really struggle with the same thing others kids do: peer pressure, backne…_

**_*Flashback*_**

A younger Finn looks at three framed portraits. The one at the top of the wall is former President George W. Bush, in the middle is his father, Christopher Hudson, wearing army fatigues, and below that is another former President, George Bush Jr.

_"I never knew my dad. He died in Iraq when we were fighting Osama bin Laden the first time."_

Finn plays his drum set obnoxiously loud in the living room while his mother is on the phone in the kitchen.

"Hold on, hold on. Finn! Finn! Finn! Please! I'm on the phone." Carole Hudson, a dark haired, middle-aged woman with a love of denim, calls to her son. He immediately stops and listens as his mother returns to her conversation. "I just want to trade next Saturday's shift for this Saturday because Finn's got a parents' night for cub scouts."

_"My mom and me, we're real close. But being a single parent can be hard."_

Carole opens the front door to reveal Darren, an employee of Emerald Dreams, a place that sprays your lawn to make it look green, baring a mullet and a bouquet of flowers for her, as he was her boyfriend at the time.

_"The only good time for Mom was when we splurged a little bit and ordered Emerald Dreams."_

Finn and Darren spray the lawn together while Carole sits in a lawn chair nearby with a cold drink. The three are rocking out as the radio plays and the boys begin to sing along.

_"Darren was good to her, and he was cool about letting me hang out."_

**Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' by Journey**

**Performed by Finn Hudson and Darren from Emerald Dreams**

**DARREN:  
You make me weep**

DARREN and FINN:  
And wanna die  
Just when 

_"That was the first time I really heard music." _

**You said we'd try  
Lovin', touchin', squeezin' **

_"Man, it set my soul on fire."_

**Each other**

"You got a voice, buddy." Darren compliments. "Seriously, if I had that voice... my band would still be together." He reaches over and messes up Finn's long hair teasingly. "Stick with it!"

A while later the Emerald Dreams truck passes by the Hudson's small, one level house with a young blonde woman waving teasingly out at Carole from the passenger's seat.

_"My mom took it real hard when Darren left her for that girl he met at Pick & Save."_

Carole, upset, takes the milk jug out of the paper bag in the trunk from where she and Finn were unpacking groceries and chases after the truck before chucking the milk carton at it. It misses and busts on the black top as Carole stands in the street and cries.

_"It was at that moment that I decided to do whatever it took to make my mom proud of me, make her feel all her sacrifice was worth it."_

**_*End of Flashback*_**

"We have two options here." Mr. Schue says. "I'm running detention now, so you can do six weeks after school, but that's gonna remain on your permanent record."

"What's the other option Mr. Schue?"

* * *

The Glee Club stands in a line on the stage of the auditorium, facing an empty audience.

**You're The One That I Want from ****_Grease_**

**Performed by Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson with New Directions**

**FINN:  
I got chills, they're multiplyin'**

The Glee Clubbers exchange looks and look down the line at Finn, not expecting this talent from the Quarterback.

**And I'm losin' control  
'Cause the power you're supplyin'  
It's electrifyin'!**

Rachel throws down her sheet music.

**RACHEL (NEW DIRECTIONS):  
You better shape up (Doo, doo, doo)**

Rachel does a jazz square.

**'Cause I need a man (Doo, doo, doo)**

Rachel spins and walks around Kurt, who is standing next to her.

**(Doo, doo, doo) But my heart is set on you (And my heart is set on you)**

She messes up Kurt's hair and points directly at Finn.

**You better shape up (Doo, doo, doo)**

As she passes Tina, she touches her breasts leaving Tina with an uncomfortable look as she continues to sing back up.

**You better understand (Doo, doo, doo)**

Rachel pushes Artie's wheelchair once she's behind him, his momentum is stopped by Mr. Schue, and she sidesteps Mercedes until she's uncomfortably close to Finn.

**To my heart I must be true (Doo, doo, doo)**

FINN:

**Nothin' left**

**RACHEL and FINN (NEW DIRECTIONS):  
Nothin' left for me to do (Doo, doo, doo)**

Rachel slides back against Mercedes arm, much to her displeasure, before Rachel grabs Finn's hand and the two of them rock back and forth, blocking Mercedes all together.

**You're the one that I want (You are the one I want)**

RACHEL and FINN with NEW DIRECTIONS:  
Ooh, ooh, ooh

RACHEL and FINN:  
Honey!  
The one that I want

"Oh, _hell _to the no!" Mercedes yells, cutting between Rachel and Finn to address Mr. Schue. "Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense! I'm Beyoncé! I ain't no Kelly Rowland."

"Okay, look, Mercedes. It's just one song."

"And it's the first time we've been kind of good." Kurt interjects.

Mercedes sighs with frustration. "Okay. You're good, white boy. I'll give you that. But you better bring it." She turns from Finn back to Mr. Schue and says with false sweetness. "Let's run it again."

"Alright, let's do it." He encourages, clapping his hands. "From the top,"

* * *

That night Will and Terri are doing a puzzle together, completing the image of 'American Gothic' by Grant Wood.

"You usually don't let me in your craft room." Will notes, placing down a piece that fills the void left in the dead center of the painting.

"Isn't this fun? And challenging?" Terri asks sweetly. "Every Wednesday we're gonna have puzzle night because I know how important it is for you to have a creative outlet."

Will sighs contentedly as he reaches across the table to touch his wife's hand for a moment before going back to the puzzle. "You know, the kids have been working so hard. I was thinking about taking them on a field trip next Saturday." In his excitement he misses Terri's impatient look. "Carmel High's having an Invitational down in Akron. Carmel's gonna be _the _team to beat at Regionals, and I was wondering if… you might want to come chaperone with me."

"On Saturday? Oh, I can't." She says, a slightly harsh tone coming out from behind her sickly sweet voice. "I had to pick up an extra shift at work, Will. We're living paycheck to paycheck, you know."

"And how much of that paycheck goes to your Pottery Barn credit card?" Will asks knowingly.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Terri says dismissively. Will gets up from his chair and heads for the closet door behind him. "Don't go in the Christmas closet!"

"I was looking for my jacket the other day…" Will turns on the light to expose a horded supply of items from Pottery Barn. "Come on! We cannot afford this stuff, Terri!"

"But we could, Will!" Terri insists, getting to her feet. "Yes, I am a shoo-in to be promoted during the Christmas week at Sheets-N-Things! You know, I reek of management potential! And they're hiring at H.W. Menken!"

"My passion is teaching, Terri! For the last time, I don't want to be an accountant!"

"Dr. Phil said people could change." In her erratic-ness Terri picks up a glue gun and starts to put glue on a small colored bead that will help decorate her faux gingerbread house. "You know, it's not a bad thing to want a real life, Will. _And to have a glue gun that works!_" she slams the small tool down on the table. "You know, it's really hard for me not having the things that _I_ need."

"_Oh,_" Will yells sarcastically. "And you _need_ three mahogany toilet brush holders?" he asks, brandishing one open.

"They're _Balinese_!" She walks over and grabs it from him. "It is _not_ a bad thing to _want_ things, Will." She moves to leave, but decides to turn back. "You know, I understand your interest in these kids, Will, I really do. Yeah. It's your way of recapturing your glory days. But I'm not the high school cheerleader anymore, and you are not the Golden Boy. High school's over… for both of us. It's time that you move on."

She storms out of the room, still carrying the Balinese toilet brush holder. Will closes the door behind her.

* * *

The next day in the teacher's lounge Will posts a sign-up sheet on the bulletin board. It reads, "NEW DIRECTIONS! Is looking for chaperones. Sign up below."

While he pins the clipboard with the attached pencil-on-a-string to the cork material Emma sits at a nearby table, watching him and eating a piece of celery. Watching her from near the window is Ken who stands by a shredding machine with a sign above it that says, "YOU MUST BE TRAINED BY KEN TANAKA TO USE THIS SHREDDER," he deposits paper into it.

Once Will is gone Emma makes her way toward the bulletin board, trying to look nonchalant. After reading the paper her eyes widen in excitement. She reaches for the eraser on the pencil before taking a napkin and wiping it down before she can touch the body of it and signs her name on the chaperone list.

* * *

The following week Puck is out on the football field, throwing footballs at the head of their fully padded kicker. At the sound of yelling, strangely not directed at him for a change, he turns to see Coach Tanaka chewing out his best friend, Finn. The little he can hear of their conversation is confusing.

"You're the _Quarterback_!"

"Coach, it's temporary—"

"No! I don't want to hear it! You make a decision. Either you're a football player or you're a singer!"

When Finn is dismissed from their meeting Puck runs over to catch up with him. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Oh," Finn begins nervously. "It's—I just—I have to miss practice Saturday afternoon. It's, uh, my mom. I gotta help her… cook and, uh, do things."

"Why?" Puck asks, confused.

"She just had, uh, surgery."

"What kind of surgery?"

"Uh, well, she, uh, had to have her… prostate out."

"Man," Puck says after a beat. "That's a tough break."

"Yeah," Finn says, sighing in relief. "It's, uh, engorged."

* * *

Will is in the teacher's lounge once again, looking through this month's issue of "Jazz Hands" the show choir catalog, when it is suddenly knocked out of his hands. He looks up to see the angry face of Ken Tanaka.

"You stole my Quarterback."

Realization dawning on him, Will sighs before saying, "Okay, look, Finn's got a great voice. He just wants to express himself."

"You're screwing up my life." Ken says darkly.

"Okay, Ken? You hate football. What's this really about?"

**_*Flashback*_**

Ken approaches Emma in the school parking lot as she's spraying the handle of her car door and wiping it down with a white cloth.

"Hey, M&M," is Ken's form of greeting. Emma frowns in frustration at the sound of his voice before turning around to face him. "So, I got tickets to monster trucks this weekend. _Loge_ tickets."

"No, thanks," Emma says distractedly, continuing to wipe down the door. "Not my thing."

"Truckzilla vs. Truckosaurus; and get this—the trucks breath _fire_."

Emma sighs in defeat before turning to the football coach. "Ken, look, you know how every time you ask me out, I tell you I'm on my period?"

"Which doesn't bother me."

"Or I tell you I'm suffering from cluster headaches. Or I'm allergic to nighttime." She continues. "Those things? Not really true. I'm just not interested in dating you—"

He shushes her, putting a finger to her lips, from which she slightly recoils before he lowers his hand. "How do I get you… into my hatchback?"

"Okay, Ken, fine. Make me say it. I like somebody else. Alright?" the confident look instantly drops from Ken's face. "Nothing I can do about it because they're unavailable, so I have to deal with that, but—"

Enraged by his rejection, Ken licks his hand and smears it across the car door's handle. Emma gasps in horror.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

"You're right. I'm overreacting. The Herd will take care of it."

"The Herd?" Will asks.

"The student body," Ken informs. "The second someone tries to rise above, be different, Herd pulls 'em back in. So—" He's about to leave when he adds. "Oh, and by the way, thanks for putting a good word in for me with Emma, _buddy_. I guess you just want her for yourself, huh?" Will gives him a confused look. "Adios, amigo." He says as he departs with a solute.

* * *

That Saturday is the day of the field trip to Carmel High. As national champions their Glee Club is a much bigger deal at their school. Their auditorium is housed in its own building and has its own concession stand where Finn and Rachel are currently standing together in line.

"You're very talented." Rachel compliments.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Rachel says, a little disappointed he didn't return the sentiment, so decides to say it herself. "I would know, I'm very talented, too." There is a beat of silence between them. "I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item. You, the hot male lead and me, the stunning young ingénue everyone roots for."

"Well, I, uh, have a girlfriend." Finn says awkwardly.

"Really?" Rachel asks, now even more disappointed. "Who?"

"Quinn Fabray."

Rachel looks up at him quickly at the mention of her tormentor. "Cheerleader Quinn Fabray? The President of the Celibacy Club?"

**_*Flashback*_**

Finn and Quinn are making out on the couch in her living room, a portrait of Jesus looking down on them. As Finn's hand slides toward Quinn's butt she grabs his wrist and takes it away.

"Wait." She says, disconnecting their lips and climbing off of him. She gets to her knees where we can see a cross necklace around her neck. Finn gets an excited look on his face before the Cheerio says, "Let's pray," and joins her hands, closing her eyes, so she does not see Finn drop his head back in frustration.

**_*End of Flashback_*******

"For almost four months now." Finn continues. "She's cool." The line starts to move. "Mm, I wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids."

Further down the line are Will and Emma, or today Mr. Schuester and Miss Pillsbury as they're the Glee Club's chaperones.

"Those kielbasas look like they've been there a while." Will comments, holding their tickets to his cleft chin.

"Do you want to go halfsies on a PB&J?"

Will looks to her, dropping his arm. "That sounds perfect." They excuse themselves from the line and head toward one of several couches along the bay window of the auditorium's lobby. "I haven't had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in… a really long time."

"Really?" Emma asks, sitting down and pulling a sanitary sandwich container from her bag.

"Yeah, my wife's allergic to nuts."

"Oh. Oh. Well, that's really sweet though. Not eating something because she can't. That's really nice." She removes the container's top and begins unwrapping the tinfoil, becoming flustered by the crinkling noise it makes. "Oh, that's really… noisy, but they're clean."

Will laughs before taking a bite, enjoying the sweet rebellion that is peanut butter.

"How long have you two been married?" Emma asks, taking a bite of her half.

"Mm, five years last March." Will answers after a moment. "But we've been together since high school. She was my first girlfriend, actually."

"Was it love at first sight?"

Will hesitates again before saying meaningfully. "For me it was. I don't know. She used to be filled with so much… joy."

"And now?"

A bell dings and the lights flicker, signaling the beginning of the show.

"Ah, showtime." Emma repacks what remains of her sandwich in the container and slips it in her bag. "You don't want to hear about my marital problems." Will continues.

"No, I do." Emma says quickly, before stammering, "I do—I'd love to hear—you—I'm not happy that you have marital problems. But people talk to me a lot because I'm a guidance counselor."

"Okay, here's the thing." Will says as they start walking. "Terri pushes me… _hard_, and I've always appreciated it. I figure she just wants me to be better, you know? But lately, though, I keep asking myself 'Better at what?' Making money? Being upwardly mobile?" he sighs, taking a program from an usher. "I don't know. I love her, don't get me wrong, but we just gotta get back on the same page."

"Do you like the sandwich?" Emma asks, gesturing to the food still in Will's hand as they begin climbing the steps toward the theater.

"Oh my god, it's, like, the best I've ever had."

* * *

"Hey, guys." Will calls to the kids down the row, who are all seated together in the auditorium waiting for the showcase to begin. "So this is supposed to be our 'competition.'" For affect he uses air quotes. "But I honestly don't think that they've got the talent that we've got. But let's be a good audience. Give them some of that old McKinley High respect."

An announcer's voice suddenly booms through the hall, turning the audience's attention toward the stage. "Please give a warm Buckeye state welcome to last year's National champion, Vocal Adrenaline!"

Will and Emma exchange a look as the curtain opens. "National?" he mouths to her.

**Rehab by Amy Winehouse**

**Performed by Vocal Adrenaline**

**VOCAL ADRENALINE:  
Ohio, Ohio, Ohio**

**They tried to make me go to rehab  
But I said, "No, no, no"  
Yes, I've been black  
But when I come back  
You'll know, know, know  
I ain't got the time (VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRLS: The time)  
And if my daddy thinks I'm fine  
He's tried to make me go to rehab  
But I won't go, go, go**

**VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRLS:  
I'd rather be at home with Ray (GISELLE: With Ray)**

**VOCAL ADRENALINE BOYS:  
I ain't got seventy days**

**VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRLS:  
'Cause there's nothing (VOCAL ADRENALINE BOYS: Nothing)  
Nothing you can teach me**

**VOCAL ADRENALINE BOYS:  
That I can't learn (GISELLE: Can't learn) from Mr. Hathaway**

**GISELLE:  
Yeah, yeah**

**VOCAL ADRENALINE:  
I didn't get a lot in class (VOCAL ADRENALINE BOYS: Whoa, oh, whoa)  
But I know it don't come (GISELLE: Don't come)**

**GISELLE with VOCAL ADRENALINE:  
In a shot glass**

**VOCAL ADRENALINE:  
They tried to make me go to rehab  
But I said, "No, no, no" (GISELLE: No!)  
Yes I've been black  
But when I come back  
You'll know, know, know  
I ain't got the time (GISELLE: Got the time)  
And if my daddy thinks I'm fine  
They tried to make me go to rehab  
But I won't go, go, go**

The performance is scarily impressive. Vocal Adrenaline moves like a well-oiled machine, pulling off dance moves the six members of New Directions could never dream of. Throughout the song there were various runs and adlibs from a dark skinned girl with long, curly black hair named Giselle (remember her for later). And as if the whole thing weren't intimidating enough they had their own gymnasts doing flips up and down the stage.

Will, Emma, and New Directions are the only audience members still seated as they sit in shock.

"We're d-d-doomed." Tina stutters.

* * *

Finn is walking home after the bus they took for the field trip drops them off at school. His mom couldn't pick him up due to work and though he has his license he doesn't have his own car (And he's not exactly confident behind the wheel, but that's a story for a later time). He rounds the corner onto his street when a familiar voice stops him.

"Chicks don't _have _prostates." It's Puck and a group of other guys from the football team. They are all carrying paint guns. "I looked it up. You broke the rules, Finn. For that, you must be punished." The team begins to circle around him.

"Wait," Finn pleads, being backed into a fence. "Y-You've got the power here, okay? You don't have to do this!"

The Titans collectively start firing and Finn is pelted with green paintballs at close range.

* * *

That evening when Will comes home his wife is waiting for him in the dining room that is visible from the front door. Hanging in the archway of the living room is a silver banner proclaiming, "Congratulations!"

"There's my baby." Terri greets.

"Wow, honey. This is amazing. What's the congratulations for?" Will asks, confused. "The kids haven't won anything yet."

Terri pauses dramatically, a teary look in her eyes. "I'm pregnant."

He chuckles, slightly disbelieving, but is thrown when she laughs too. "Really?"

"Yeah!"

"Terri, don't mess with me." He says as he walks toward her. "Oh my god, this is amazing! We're gonna be a family." He looks down and reaching for her stomach and repeats "Oh my god!" They laugh together, kiss, and engulf each other in a hug. "Oh, I can't believe it."

* * *

"You're leaving us?" Artie asks at school the following Monday. The New Directions are gathered in the auditorium, staring up at Mr. Schue from lower seats. "When?"

"I've given my two weeks' notice, but I promise I'm gonna find you guys a great replacement before I go."

"Is this 'cause those Carmel kids were so good?" Mercedes asks. "Because we can work harder."

"This isn't fair, Mr. Schuester." Rachel says. "We can't do this without you."

"So does that mean that I don't have to be… in the club anymore, or—" Finn cuts off when the others turn to stare at him.

"Look, this isn't about you guys." Will says. "Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices. It's not like high school. Sometimes you have to… give up the things that you love. One day you guys are gonna grow up and understand that. I have… loved being your teacher." With that he turns and leaves the kids in the auditorium.

* * *

Later on in the week Will finds himself packing some sheet music into his briefcase while on the stage at McKinley. He looks over and spots a guitar sitting on a stool. He walks over to it, picks up the instrument, puts his foot on one of the lower rests and begins to strum.

**Leavin' on a Jet Plane by John Denver**

**Performed by Will Schuester**

**All my bags are packed; I'm ready to go  
I'm standin' here outside your door  
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye**

Emma is seated at a table in the outside courtyard, looking down at last year's yearbook and drawing a heart around Will's head in his teacher photo; she has heard of his resignation.

**But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn  
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn  
Already I'm so lonesome I could die**

**So kiss me and smile for me  
Tell me that you'll wait for me  
Hold me like you'll never let me go**

Will fills out an H.W. Menken application while he's monitoring detention.

**'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane  
Don't know when I'll be back again  
Oh babe, I hate to go**

**But I'm leavin' on a jet plane  
Don't know when I'll be back again**

"I heard he's having a baby," Emma overhears her gossipy colleague, Barb, say. "That's why he gave Figgins his notice."

**Oh babe, I hate to go.**

* * *

Will finishes the application later that day in the teacher's lounge. He sighs heavily, clicking his pen as he's finally able to close the book.

"Need help grading those papers?" Emma asks, walking up to him.

"It's actually an application for H.W. Menken. They're hiring." Emma nods at Will, giving him a knowing look. "Come on, accounting is sexy." He says jokingly. He finishes packing his briefcase and looks up at her. "I'll miss you."

"Before you leave, could you do me a favor?" he nods. "I made an appointment for you tomorrow… in the career center. You need some guidance."

"I'm having a kid, Emma. What I need is better benefits."

"Just come, Will," Emma appeals lightly. "For me,"

* * *

Finn closes his locker that same day in the hall, only to finds Rachel behind it, frightening him.

"Didn't see you at Glee Club today."

"Is that still happening?" Finn asks.

"I've taken over. I'm interim director, but I expect the position will become permanent."

"Hi, Finn," Quinn greets as she, Santana, and Brittany walk toward the two, the three of them in their cheerleading uniforms and carrying gym bags. "RuPaul," Quinn throws at Rachel bitingly before turning back to her boyfriend. "What are you doing talking to her?"

"Oh—uh…"

"Science project, we're partners." Rachel says, saving him.

Santana continues to stare down Rachel as Quinn says to Finn, "Christ Crusaders tonight at 5:00, my house."

"Sounds great," Finn smiles as the three Cheerios walk away. He then turns back to Rachel. "Look, I should go. I can't do Glee anymore. It conflicts with—"

"Your reputation?" Rachel accuses. "You've really got something, Finn, and you're throwing it away."

"I-I'm gonna be late." Finn says evasively.

"You can't keep worrying about what other people think, Finn. You're better than all of them." She says before walking away.

* * *

"What do you want me to do, apologize?" Puck asks Finn as they walk together across the football field. "That's not me, dude. Look, if I joined the flag team, you'd beat the crap out of me. I just don't understand why you did it."

"Schuester told me he'd give me enough extra credit to pass Spanish if I joined the club, okay? I didn't have a choice. If I failed another class, I'd be off the team. Look, it's over, okay? I quit. Anything else?"

"No, that's it." Puck relents, before developing a devious smirk. "And as a welcome back to the world of the normal, I got you a present." He finishes, patting Finn's shoulder.

Finn hears a gasping and banging sound coming from nearby. "What's that noise?"

Finn follows Puck over to the port-a-potties where a number of football players are waiting. From the closest stall Finn can hear someone yelling. "Oh, God! Help! Help! _Help!"_

"Is someone in there?"

"We got that wheelchair kid inside." Puck sneers. "We're gonna flip it."

"Isn't that kind of dangerous?" Finn asks, as his teammates chuckle.

"He's already in a wheelchair!" Puck laughs. "C'mon, dude, we saved you the first roll."

Finn looks down for a moment before turning to the public toilet and opening the door. "Oh!" he exclaims as the smell hits him.

"Thank you! Thank you so much." Artie grunts as Finn wheels him out. "My God, the smell,"

"What the hell, dude?" Puck shouts. "I can't believe you're helping this loser."

"Don't you get it, man?" Finn asks. "We're _all_ losers—everyone in this school. Hell, everyone in this town. Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe _half_ will go to college, and _two_ will leave the state to do it. I'm not afraid of being called a loser 'cause I can accept that that's what I am. But I am afraid of turning my back on something that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life."

"So what?" Puck taunts. "Are you quitting to join Homo Explosion?"

"No." Finn says as the guys around Puck laugh at his wisecrack. "I'm doing both. 'Cause you can't win without me and neither can they."

Artie licks a finger tip and brings it to his backside, making a sizzling noise as Finn wheels him away. Out on the field they spot the Emerald Dreams truck where Darren, dying the grass's color, and a new bimbo rock out to the sounds of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" blasting through a stereo. Finn is inspired once again.

* * *

In the auditorium the other New Directions are at odds during rehearsal.

"Look, you guys. These steps are not hard. I've been doing them since preschool." Rachel reprimands.

"I'm sorry." Kurt says, looking from Tina to Mercedes who he's standing between. "Did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn't vote for you."

"I know what I'm talking about." Rachel insists. "I won my first dance competition when I was three months old!"

Finn enters from backstage, still pushing Artie. "This is a closed rehearsal." Kurt calls to him.

"Look," Finn begins, letting go of the handles of Artie's wheelchair so he can roll over to Tina. "I owe you guys an apology. I never should've quit." Rachel looks up at him. "I don't want to be the guy that drives around throwing eggs at people."

"That was you?" Rachel asks.

"You and your friends threw pee balloons at me." Kurt states.

"I know."

"You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof."

"I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry. Look, that isn't who I am, and I'm tired of it. This is what I want to be doing, with you guys. I used to think that this was, like, the lamest thing on Earth, and maybe it is, but we're all here for the same reason. 'Cause we want to be good at something."

The original five exchange looks, wondering if they should trust him.

"Artie," Finn says suddenly. "You play guitar, right?" Artie nods. "Think you could recruit the jazz band?"

"I do have pull there." Artie admits, adjusting his glasses.

"Alright, Mercedes, Kurt, we need new costumes, and they have got to be cool. Can you guys do that?"

"Damn! Don't you see what I got on?" Mercedes asks, smiling.

"I weep at the simplicity of it." Kurt deadpans.

"Rachel," Finn says next, addressing the shorter girl. "You can do choreography." She smiles at him. "Tina, what are you good at?" he asks the shy Asian girl.

"Uh—Uh—"

"We'll figure something out for you."

"And, uh, what are you bringing to the table, Justin Timberlake?" Mercedes questions sassily.

Finn barely holds back his '_Who?_' and instead says, "I've got the music."

* * *

Will and Emma are once again in the teacher's lounge during Mr. Schue's last week as a teacher at McKinley. Will has just sat down when Emma, a closed laptop in front of her, asks, "So how did things go at the career center?"

"Well," Will begins, looking exhausted, removing a large packet of papers from his briefcase. "After hours of career counseling and aptitude tests, my results came out to be…" he flips to the last page and reads. "_You are most suited to work as a teacher, possibly in the subject of performing arts."_

Emma is barely able to contain the laughter that is a mix of irony and joy that Will could be staying.

"I knew you'd get a kick out of that." Will says, smiling despite himself, before continuing with a frown. "It still doesn't change things, Emma."

"I thought you might say something like that." Emma says, opening the laptop. "I want to show you something. I did a little research, and this is a tape I found in the library of the '93 team at Nationals."

Will smiles once he realizes what he's about to see, and removes his arms from the table so Emma can turn the computer to face him and have a better picture. The sound of the Singsations and their KC and the Sunshine Band mash-up comes pouring from the device's speakers.

"Do you know who that is?" Emma asks rhetorically. "That's you, Will. That's you happier than I've ever seen you."

"That was the greatest moment of my life." Will gushes somberly.

"Why?"

"Because I loved what I was doing." Will admits truthfully. "I knew before we were halfway through with that number that we were gonna win. And being a part of that, in that moment, I knew who I was in the world." Will chuckles, but starts to get choked up. "And the only time I felt that way since then was when Terri told me I was gonna be a father." Will closes the laptop. "No, no, I need to provide for my family."

"But provide what exactly?" Emma counters. "The understanding that _money_ is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you're really passionate about, Will?"

* * *

Will is about to walk out of McKinley for the last time when he hears music begin to swell from the auditorium. The New Directions are vocalizing, creating the music of a classic rock song.

**Don't Stop Believin' by Journey**

**Performed by Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson with New Directions**

Finn is the first to step forward.

**FINN:  
Just a small town girl  
Livin' in a lonely world  
She took the midnight train  
Goin' anywhere**

Now Rachel steps forward.

**RACHEL:  
Just a city boy  
Born and raised in South Detroit  
He took the midnight train  
Goin' anywhere**

Artie shreds on an electric guitar.

**FINN:  
A singer in a smoky room**

**RACHEL:  
A smell of wine and cheap perfume**

**RACHEL and FINN:  
For a smile they can share the night  
It goes on and on and on and on**

**Strangers  
Waiting  
Up and down the boulevard  
Their shadows  
Searching in the night**

Kurt, Mercedes, and Tina start singing into their own microphones.

**Streetlight  
People  
Livin' just to find emotion  
Hiding  
Somewhere in the night**

Will enters the auditorium, watching the kids in awe; Finn takes over the drums.

**RACHEL:  
Workin' hard to get my fill  
Everybody wants a thrill**

**RACHEL and FINN:  
Payin' anything to roll the dice  
Just one more time**

Finn hands the drum sticks in his hands to a waiting Jazz band member who quickly takes over.

**RACHEL:  
Some will win**

**RACHEL and FINN:  
Some will lose  
Some were born to sing the blues  
And now the movie never ends  
It goes on and on and on and on**

**Strangers  
Waiting  
Up and down the boulevard  
Their shadows  
Searching in the night  
Streetlight  
People  
Livin' just to find emotion  
Hiding  
Somewhere in the night**

Artie rocks out on the guitar solo while Tina, who has abandoned her mike stand like the others spins him around.

**RACHEL with NEW DIRECTIONS:  
Don't stop believin'**

**RACHEL and FINN:  
Hold on to that feelin'**

**RACHEL and FINN with NEW DIRECTIONS:  
Street lights people, oh, whoa, ohh**

From the balcony Sue, Quinn, Santana, and Brittany watch, most of them looking displeased.

**Don't stop believin'**

As a group the New Directions march down stage.

**RACHEL and FINN:  
Hold on to that feelin'**

From one of the entrances of the auditorium Puck watches and walks away, also in displeasure.

**RACHEL and FINN with NEW DIRECTIONS:  
Street lights people, oh, whoa, ohh  
Don't stop!**

A lone clap has them looking up from their final position where they ended in a diagonal line with their heads facing down. It's Mr. Schue.

"Good, guys. It's a nine." He says. "We need a ten. Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives. Finn, I think if we worked on it you could hit a high 'B.'"

"So does this mean you're staying?" Finn asks.

"It would kill me to see you win Nationals without me." The kids all smile. "From the top!"

* * *

**MAIN CAST**

**Dianna Agron as Quinn Fabray**

**Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel**

**Kevin McHale as Artie Abrams**

**Lea Michele as Rachel Berry**

**Cory Monteith as Finn Hudson**

**Matthew Morrison as Will Schuester**

**Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones**

**Mark Salling as Noah Puckerman**

**Jenna Ushkowitz as Tina Cohen-Chang**

**Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester**

**Jayma Mays as Emma Pillsbury**

**Jessalyn Gilsig as Terri Schuester**

**GUEST CAST**

**Stephen Tobolowsky as Sandy Ryerson**

**Patrick Gallagher as Ken Tanaka**

**Iqbal Theba as Principal Figgins**

**Romy Rosemont as Carole Hudson**

**Ben Bledsoe as Hank Saunders**

**Kent Avenido as Howard Bamboo**

**CO-STARS**

**Jane Galloway Heitz as Lillian Adler**

**Aaron Hendry as Darren**

**Jerry Phillips as Young Finn**

**Melanie Henderson as Barb (Gossipy Teacher)**

**Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez**

**Heather Morris as Brittany Pierce**

**Taisha Monique Clark as Giselle**

* * *

Next Episode: Showmance


	2. Showmance

**A/N: Here we have episode two. Please note that from this point forward all songs will be performed in full unless the plot calls for otherwise. And for the two of you reading this, this one's for you. (P.S. This week's theme is compromise)**

* * *

**So here's what you missed last week: Mr. Schue took over the glee club and not everyone was happy about it. Actually, a lot of people weren't. But the club's still going even though Rachel almost quit, and Finn, and even Mr. Schue. But his wife's pregnant so we'll give the guy a break. Though he did almost become an accountant; but then the Glee Club and the power of Journey convinced him not to. Whew! And that's what you missed on GLEE!**

* * *

Mr. Schue once again drives into the school parking lot, the muffler still dragging, of McKinley High, fully reinstated as Spanish 1-4 teacher and director of newly renamed Glee Club New Directions. He sighs contentedly to himself, walking toward the entrance of the school with his briefcase, bagged lunch, and shades when he hears a familiar voice calling his name.

"Mr. Schuester!" The self-proclaimed star of New Directions, Rachel Berry, calls, trailing behind her a rolling pink book bag.

"Yeah?"

Rachel catches up to him. "I went to the library and I got some sheet music and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me _heavily _on lead vocal." She says all this with a confident smile and a look of determination.

"Thanks, Rachel, but I already got one picked out." He says, digging through his bag looking for it, he gives up when he sees that Finn, clad in his football jersey, has arrived and stolen Rachel's attention.

"Let me help you with that." Finn greets, taking a hold of the handle of Rachel's luggage along with her. Rachel smiles, feeling their hands brush together.

"Thanks, Finn. You're so chivalrous."

"Thanks." He pauses for a moment, confused. "That's a good thing, right?"

Behind them are Mercedes and Tina, the latter of which is pushing a wheelchair-bound Artie. Mr. Schue walks up to them.

"Morning, guys."

"Hey, Mr. Schue," Mercedes greets, laughing. "We're just learning some runs." She turns back to the other two and says, holding a finger to plug her right ear and waving her left index finger for emphasis, "So it goes—_Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah_!"

Tina, Artie, and Mr. Schue repeat, "_Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah_!"

"With the finger, huh?" Mr. Schue jokes.

"Pretty fly for a white guy." Mercedes compliments.

"Oh, thank you, thank you." He says, mock bowing. They walk off as he heads near the dumpsters. "Hey," he calls after them pointing, "Don't be late for rehearsal this afternoon."

"Okay," Mercedes replies.

"Alright!" he sees the final member of his club, Kurt, standing by a dumpster with a bunch of jocks from the football team Kurt must be friends with. "Morning, Kurt."

"Buenos nachos, Mr. Schue," answers back Noah "Puck" Puckerman, his arm slung around Kurt.

"Hey, let's go Titans!" Mr. Schue cheers with a fist pump.

"Yeah," Puck says dismissively. When Mr. Schuester is out of sight he removes his arm from around Kurt and he and another letterman jacket wearer get ready to lift him. "C'mon."

"Wait!" Kurt calls, unshouldering his satchel and throwing it at a player. He looks around at all of them and says, calmly, "One day, you will all work for me." He is then thrown in the garbage.

* * *

Will is walking along a hallway on the second floor, having passing conversations with students he walks past. Around the corner of the stairwell Emma is hiding and waiting for him to come along. When she spots him she smiles, and hides once again, readying herself for their accidental run-in. As Will passes a nearby student playing a guitar she makes her move, bumping into him and giving a flustered apology. He does the same, but his is more genuine.

"Oh, Will, gosh. You're here! Hi."

"Hey, Emma," Will greets, smiling and removing his sunglasses. "I wanted to thank you _so _much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club—it's where I belong."

"Oh, it's no problem." Emma states, waving her hand dismissively. "I mean, it's what I do. I give counsel and give guidance. I'm a guidance counselor." She ends giggling.

"Yeah, you are." Will chuckles.

Climbing the stairwell, in their cheerleading uniforms as their coach has made mandatory while on school grounds, is the Unholy Trinity: Quinn, Santana, and Brittany. Santana, at the front, rolls her eyes at the sound of the adults' conversation. ("Oh, look, we match. Periwinkle." Emma comments, gesturing from her skirt and collar to his cardigan).

"Get a room." She snaps at the two of them, Brittany trailing behind her. Quinn brings up the rear as she says, "Miss Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Schue. She doesn't like to be kept waiting."

"You got it." Will calls, giving Emma a nervous look.

* * *

Will approaches the office of cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester, knocking before poking his head inside. "Hey, Sue. You wanted to see me?"

"Hey, buddy. Come on in." Sue says from her elliptical machine. She turns the machine off, getting to the ground and reaching for her towel, letting out a slight groan. "I just blasted my hammies." The two laugh as she reaches for a bottle on her desk. "Iron tablet?" she offers, tossing Will the bottle of pills. "Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating."

"I don't menstruate." Will says, looking bemused.

"Yeah?" Sue asks, after taking a sip from her water bottle. "Neither do I." She puts the bottle down and heads toward Will to stand with him by the door. "So, I had a little chat with Principal Figgins, and he said that if your group doesn't place at Regionals, he's cutting the program. _Ouch_."

"You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club. We're gonna be fine."

"Really?" Sue asks, before going to retrieve a book off of her desk. "'Cause I was at the local library, where I read _Cheerleading Today_ aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner." She turns the cover toward him. "_Show Choir Rule Book, _and turns out," She begins flipping through the book and stops on a page. "You need twelve kids to qualify for competition." She shuts the book with a snap. "Last time I looked, you only had five and a half. Here," she hands over the book and off seeing Will's confused look she clarifies. "Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some Special Ed classes for you," she now holds up a yellow piece of paper with a chart covered in orange ink. "Thought maybe you could find some recruits," Sue puts the sheet down and walks over to her weights, starting to lift some dumbbells over her head. "But then I thought, not even _they_ are gonna wanna swim over to your… island of misfit toys."

Will takes this all in, hesitant for a moment before asking, "Are you threatening me, Sue?"

"Threatening you?" Sue repeats condescendingly, still raising the small red weights that match the color of her tracksuit up and down. "Oh, no, no, no; presenting you with an opportunity to **compromise** yourself?" she asks rhetorically, "You betcha." She drops the dumbbells and approaches Will once again.

"Let's break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it. You want to be _me_." Will tries to stifle his chuckle. "So here's the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly father. _Euthanize it_." Will's smile fades, not sure if he should believe that of her. "It's time. And I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on the Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade… and launder my soiled delicates. It'll be very rewarding work for you."

"You know what, Sue?" Will asks with slight ferocity. "I politely decline your offer. Glee club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you're used to being the cock of the walk around here—"

"Offensive," Sue interjects.

"But it looks like your Cheerios are gonna have some competition. We're gonna show at Regionals. You have my word on that." He throws her back the Iron Tablets. "Have a good day."

* * *

Rachel is at her locker, which is just a few down from Finn's. Quinn, Finn's girlfriend, is with him and they are having a quiet conversation. Rachel is turned away, quiet as she listens.

"We are in line to be the most popular kids in the school over the next couple years." Quinn rants quietly. ("Yeah, I know." Is Finn's automatic answer) "Prom King and Queen; Homecoming court royalty. I am not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can _express_ yourself."

Rachel has taken out her compact mirror so she can see the two over her shoulder.

"Look," Finn chuckles slightly as he fills his backpack, "You're making too big a deal out of this."

"Okay, let's **compromise**." Quinn says sweetly as Rachel closes her compact. "If you quit the club, _I'll let you touch my breast_." She finishes on a whisper.

Rachel looks nervously over her shoulder as Finn asks. "Under the shirt?"

"Over the bra,"

In the silence that follows, Rachel turns her head back toward her locker, snapping back when she hears Finn stutter out, "No, no, I can't." Quinn scoffs. "I want to do Glee. I'm really happy when I'm performing."

"People think you're gay now, Finn." Quinn insists. "And you know what that makes me? Your big. Gay. Beard."

"Look, I-I gotta go to class, okay?" Finn says, shouldering his backpack. Rachel faces her locker fully. "Just relax. Everything's gonna work out."

Finn walks away, Rachel staring after him. Quinn sees her and with a raised voice asks, "Eavesdrop much?" Rachel closes her locker as Quinn stalks over to her. "Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him. You can sing with him. But you will _never_ have him."

"I understand why you'd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection." Rachel begins, Quinn rolling her eyes. "But I'm an honorable person. I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own." She begins to walk away backwards. "Every day Glee's status is going up, and yours is going down. Deal with it." When Rachel turns away from her she is met with two blue slushies to the face. The jocks boast as Quinn laughs.

* * *

In Glee Club that day, Rachel having changed after her slushie attack, the New Directions are practicing a disco number.

**Le Freak by Chic**

**Performed by New Directions**

**Ahh Freak out!  
Le Freak, C'est Chic**

"Energy, guys! It's disco!" Will encourages.

**Freak out!  
Le Freak, C'est Chic  
Ahh Freak out!**

"Good with the hands. John Travolta hands. Alright."

**Le Freak, C'est Chic  
Freak out!**

"We're freaking out. Let's go."

**Le Freak, C'est Chic**

Will directs the choreography.

**Have you heard**

**About the new dance craze?  
Listen to us  
I'm sure you'll be amazed  
Big fun!**

After a high kick from Rachel that nearly hits Mercedes in the face, the music stops. "Whoa, whoa! Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust _my_ face again, and I _will_ cut you!" Mercedes rants at Rachel who has turned away, her arms crossed. Mercedes turns to Mr. Schue, her hand on her hip. "And, also, this song is terrible."

"No, no, no. It's not the song." Mr. Schue says. "You guys just need to get into it."

"No, it's the song. It's really gay." Kurt interjects ironically.

"We need modern music, Mr. Schue." Artie adds.

"I'm sorry, guys. We don't have time to discuss this. We're doing this song next Friday at the pep assembly."

"In front of the whole school?" Tina asks fearfully.

"Exactly," Mr. Schue says, somehow missing the terror in her voice.

"They're gonna throw fruit at us." Kurt says. "And I _just_ had a facial."

"I'll press charges if that happens." Rachel states.

"Guys," Will cuts in. "I can't express to you how important this assembly is. We need recruits. There are six of you. We need twelve to qualify for Regionals. We have no choice, or the club is over. Look, I know you guys don't like this song, but we took Nationals in '93 with disco music. And _Freak Out_ is a crowd-pleaser. Trust me." He claps, ignoring all the kids' resisting looks. "From the top."

Finn, who had been looking more worried by the second since Mr. Schue's announcement finally utters, "I'm dead," before dejectedly returning to his starting mark, Rachel watching after him.

* * *

**"GLEE"**

* * *

Will and his wife Terri sit on a couch in the living room of what could be their future home. They look down at the coffee table where they look down at a model of their prospective home that in addition to the house itself includes a tiny couple with a baby, dog, and minivan.

_"My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that since he accidentally burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom."_

"Welcome to your little slice of the American dream." A perky, plump, and overly made-up blonde Realtor wearing all pastels, Peggy, says while sporting what's supposed to look like a friendly smile.

"I have a question about the trees." Terri begins, sitting up. "It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well, obviously we're expecting a family, and I have a real sense that it might be a girl…"

_"Still, I can't believe we're actually doing this. It all happened so fast."_

**_*Flashback*_**

Will and Terri are having brunch at their apartment with another couple. The woman, Kendra, is obnoxious, with something slightly off about her. She also happens to be Terri's older sister. Her husband, Phil, is a mousy, brunet man with a receding hairline. As the adults eat, the couple's triplet ginger sons, all dressed exactly the same, wreak havoc as they scream and race around the table, occasionally ripping the stuffing from pillows.

_"It all started when Terri's sister _Kendra_ brought her kids over for Sunday brunch."_

"Well, I just don't understand where you're planning on putting the nursery."

"I know." Terri agrees.

"Well, we have a second bedroom." Will interjects through his oncoming headache caused by the triplets.

Kendra leans over talking to Terri seriously, brandishing her butter knife. "You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing that's gonna keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. Postpartum runs in our family."

Phil gets up from his chair, causing Kendra's attention to shift. "Where are you going?"

"Bathroom…" Phil says in a confused, yet defeated voice. "All that bran…"

"No, you can't. Kyle needs his inhaler."

As Phil sits back down, Will screams along with the kids, hoping that by releasing it some of his frustration about the situation will go away. It doesn't work.

"Anyway," Kendra continues. "This conversation is over. They're starting construction on a new section of our subdivision." Terri gasps, turning to Will excitedly. Will plays off his less than enthusiastic opinion of that idea by going for another cube of fruit on his plate. "You are _not_ bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment. _When pigs fly_." She finishes, her and Terri laughing.

"Can I eat this?" Phil asks his wife, holding up a speared piece of fruit on his fork.

Will drops his fork to his plate, running his hand through his hair.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

Peggy is walking Will and Terri through a different house on a different day. They pass the stairwell and head toward the kitchen, hand in hand, brochures clutched in their free ones. "This banister was made by Ecuadorian children." Terri gasps, admiring the craftsmanship of it.

"It's great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we buy one of those? They're half the price."

"I'm not raising my baby in a used house. They're not clean." She gasps admiringly again once they enter the kitchen. "Look at the sun nook. Isn't it beautiful?"

"Is it extra?" Will asks the Realtor.

"The price in the brochure is for the basic model. Everything else is á la carte. The grand foyer is an extra fourteen thousand and the sun nook is an extra twenty-four." Will leans against the island in the kitchen, running a hand through his hair once again while Terri continues to stand and stare around smiling. "I'll let you two talk."

"Thank you!" Terri says with a sigh.

"Thank you." Will repeats, watching the woman leave before turning to Terri. "We can't afford this."

"We already did the math, Will. All we have to do is give up Applebee's and we won't run the A.C. for the first couple of summers."

"Well, we certainly can't afford the grand foyer and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew, we'll lose everything." He bumps his forehead with hers. "You need to pick one."

"We probably wouldn't have to if you had taken that accounting job." Terri quips. Her tone is light, but the accusation is still there.

"Terri, I'm not having this discussion again. We settled this."

"You're right, you're right." Terri chuckles, before saying in a quiet voice, "Come with me. I'm gonna show you something really special."

* * *

Upstairs, Will and Terri look in on a girly bedroom set up for a child from the doorway. "This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep." Terri says. "I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on shows for me."

"I love it, Terri, but we still can't afford everything."

Terri sighs again, putting a hand over her heart and looking down. "It's my very own Sophie's choice." After a moment she straightens up and says, "Fine. I'm gonna give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles." Now it's Will's turn to sigh. "Think of our family, Will. This is our dream."

_"I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money to make that dream come true."_

"Let's go sign those papers." Will says, kissing his wife's forehead. When he walks away toward the stairs Terri silently cheers behind him.

* * *

The next day in the choir room the Glee Club is about to begin rehearsal. Kurt and Mercedes are having a dispute about their similar outfit choices and color schemes while Rachel stares longingly at Finn as he ties his shoe.

"You need to call me before you dress yourself." Kurt says.

"Whatever. Whatever." Mercedes retorts.

"You look like a Technicolor zebra. And I look like I'm a part of it."

"You're a hater. That's what you are. You're trying to copy me."

"It looks like I planned it."

"You know what? If your hair was longer, you'd have curls."

"Alright, guys," Mr. Schue says, upon entering the choir room, gaining everyone's attention. "How about a little Kanye?"

The kids all look to him excited, gasping, smiling, and praising the sudden change.

"For the assembly?" Mercedes asks.

"No," Will says, bringing an end to their elation. "We won't be ready in time. We're still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire and it'll be awesome at Regionals, maybe even Sectionals if we've got it down in time." He hands sheet music to each glee clubber. "Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we're gonna succeed, we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened."

"Mr. Schue," Artie speaks up, attempting again for their collective goal. "We'd really like to not do disco at that assembly."

"Finn, you're gonna take the solo." Mr. Schue says, completely ignoring Artie.

"What?" Finn questions. "No, I can't do the solo, Mr. Schue. I'm still learning to walk and sing at the same time."

"No problem." Will says, removing his jacket. "I'll walk you through it."

All the kids '_Ooh!_' with even a _'Challenge'_ from Mercedes.

"Hey, Mercedes," Will asks, "You think you know this?"

"Oh, I got this." Mercedes says cockily, side-eyeing Kurt as he rolls his eyes.

**Gold Digger by Kanye West (feat. Jamie Foxx)**

**Performed by Will Schuester with New Directions**

**MERCEDES:  
She take my money, when I'm in need  
Yeah she's a triflin' friend indeed**

This is the first time many of the club members have heard her voice; they're all impressed.

**Oh she's a gold digger way over town  
That dig's on me.**

Kendra, Terri, and Phil are in the girly bedroom from the house they're buying, the sisters discussing ideas while the older of the two has her husband going around with a measuring tape. One of their three sons jumps on the bed while the other two pelt their father's legs with pillows, feathers flying everywhere.

**(NEW DIRECTIONS) WILL:  
(She give me money) Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger  
(When I'm in need) But she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke  
(She give me money) Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger  
(When I'm in need) But she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke  
(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down**

Will pushes on Kurt's shoulders so he'll start bouncing like the other kids.

**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down  
(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down  
(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head**

**WILL (ARTIE):**  
**(She give me money) Cutie da bomb**  
**Met her at a beauty salon (When I'm in need)**  
**With a baby Louis Vuitton**  
**Under her under arm (She give me money)**  
**She said I can tell you rock**  
**I can tell by ya charm (When I'm in need)**  
**Far as girls you got a flock**  
**I can tell by ya charm (I gotta leave)**  
**And your arm but I'm lookin' for the one (I gotta leave)**

Will dances around the kids, coming between them from behind occasionally, even removing Artie's glasses to wave in a circle in front of him before replacing them on his face.

**Have you seen her?**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**No, we ain't seen her!**

**(NEW DIRECTIONS) WILL:**  
**(She give me money) Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger**  
**(When I'm in need) But she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke**  
**(She give me money) Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger**  
**(When I'm in need) But she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down (get, get, get, get down, oh)**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head (get, get, get, get down, oh)**

Will continues to dance around them until he's up front again; the kids have started throwing in their own goofy adlibs and dance moves until they start trying to imitate a dance Mr. Schue is leading in the front.

**WILL (MERCEDES):  
(She give me money) eighteen years, eighteen years  
(When I'm in need) She's got one of yo' kids, got you for eighteen years  
(She give me money) I know somebody payin' child support for one of his kids  
(When I'm in need) His baby momma's car crib is bigger than his  
(I gotta leave) You will see him on TV, any given Sunday  
(I gotta leave) Win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai  
(I gotta leave) She was supposed to buy ya shorty Tyco with your money  
(I gotta leave) She went to the doctor got lipo with your money**

Will attempts to aid Finn in his footwork by grabbing his calf and making him step in rhythm.

**(She give me money) She walkin' around lookin' like Michael with your money  
(When I'm in need) Shoulda' got that insured, GEICO for your money, your money  
(She give me money) If you ain't no punk  
(When I'm in need) holla' we want prenup**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**We want a prenup, yeah!**

**(NEW DIRECTIONS) WILL:**  
**(She give me money) Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger**  
**(When I'm in need) But she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke**  
**(She give me money) Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger**  
**(When I'm in need) But she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down (get, get, get, get down oh)**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head (get, get, get, get down, oh)**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah**  
**Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, get down**  
**She give me money**

**WILL (NEW DIRECTIONS):**  
**Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger (Yeah, yeah, when I'm in need)**  
**But she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke**  
**(She give me money) Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger**  
**(When I'm in need) But she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down (get, get, get, get down oh)**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head get down**  
**(I gotta leave) Get down girl, go 'head (get, get, get, get down oh)**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**She give me money, when I'm in need**

As the song comes to an end the kids all cheer and laugh.

"Alright, just like that. Ready?" Will asks as he begins to rehearse the number again.

* * *

The following day Emma is exiting a stall in the girl's bathroom. She holds her hands in front of her like a surgeon, closing the stall door with her hip as she heads to the sinks. She is leaning down toward the fossett when she hears a girl coughing and hacking from another stall. She approaches it hesitantly and pushes it open with her elbow. She recognizes the girl leaning over the toilet and makes her presence known.

"Rachel, did you just throw up?"

"No." Rachel says quickly.

"You missed the toilet." Miss Pillsbury says, trying not to look at the puddle of sick on the tiled ground.

"The girl who was throwing up before me left that." Rachel says, glancing at the spot distastefully. "I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex."

"One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift. Let's have a little chat, okay?"

* * *

The two are now in Emma's office. On the table behind her desk there is a set of pamphlets on display:

_"Ouch! That Stings!"_

_"Divorce: Why Your Parents Stopped Loving You"_

_"I Can't Stop Touching Myself!"_

_"Radon: The Silent Killer"_

_"My Mom's Bipolar And She Won't Stop YELLING!"_

_"Wow! There's A Hair Down There!"_

_"So You Like Throwing Up? Understanding and Overcoming Bulimia"_

Emma picks up a copy of the last one and hands it to Rachel. As she examines it, Emma's attention is caught by Will who is at the bulletin board in the hallway. She waves at him and he waves back. Wiping the dreamy look off her face she clears her throat and addresses Rachel.

"Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease." She reapplies the hand sanitizer on her desk to her hands, still trying to make up for the fact that in her pursuit to help Rachel she left the bathroom without washing her hands in what had to be years.

"I don't have bulimia." Rachel says forcefully, putting the pamphlet back on the guidance counselor's desk. "I tried it and failed and won't ever attempt it again."

"Okay."

"Grossed me out."

"Okay, but I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out."

"I want to be thinner." Rachel says seriously, before looking away from Emma and in a quieter voice continuing, "Prettier, like that Quinn girl."

"Mm-hmm, and, um, why is that?" Emma asks, adjusting the table calendar on her desk until it lays straight.

Rachel leans forward now, and more openly asks, "Have you ever liked somebody _so_ much you just wanna… lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?"

Emma looks to Will, still in the hall, and lets out a false, "No."

**_*Flashback*_**

Emma sits in her car in the school parking lot. She is slightly damp and there is mascara running down her cheeks as she has been crying and it's raining outside. She sobs as she sings along to the radio.

**All By Myself by Eric Carmen**

**Performed by Emma Pillsbury**

**All by my  
All by myself  
I'm by myself  
Don't wanna be...**

**_*End of Flashback*_**

"Uh, but a boy crush, huh?" Emma continues. "I know about that. I mean, not now. It takes me back in the d—like a long time ago, I knew about that." Emma stammers. "You know what? You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I don't care who he is. If he doesn't like you for the way you are—if he's—you know, he's married with a baby on the way—That's not worth the heartache." Rachel follows Miss Pillsbury's gaze to Mr. Schue. "You don't want to **compromise** yourself for that." When Emma notices that Rachel knows what she's staring at she clears her throat and tries to refocus, Rachel turning back to face her awkwardly. "Have you just tried telling him how you feel?"

Rachel looks down sadly. "He doesn't even notice me."

"I see." Emma says in understanding. "Um—okay, well, here's what I think. Common interests are the key to romance. Alright? So find out what he likes. Then he'll see you in a positive way, and maybe you'll end up doing something that you never would have expected."

Rachel smiles slightly, the beginnings of an idea developing as she nods.

* * *

Finn and Rachel sit in Principal Figgins' office being stared down by him and Sue Sylvester. Mr. Schuester is there too, confused as to what the meeting's about, but wary.

"Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing?" Sue asks the students seriously.

"It just sort of… happened." Finn says awkwardly.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I think she's overreacting." Rachel tells the principal meekly.

"You watch your tone, young lady!" Sue booms, before turning to Figgins and in a calmer tone saying, "Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa," Will interjects. "Alright, tell me what happened, Rachel."

"Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally challenged friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike."

"Yeah, pretty much what she said." Finn agrees.

**_*Flashback*_**

Finn and Rachel sit in the art room, cutting out pictures from magazines earlier that day.

"You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields." Rachel says, cutting out a picture. "Like Justin Timberlake—he's a singer, but he also has his own clothing line. And, you know, he makes things like shirts and belts…"

Finn takes his chance to ask the question he's been wondering since Mercedes referred to him as this singer/clothing line owner last week. "Who's Justin Timberlake?"

The flier they're constructing reads, "'Guess who started in Glee Club?' Your Road to Stardom Starts HERE! NEW DIRECTIONS!" followed by pictures of Kelly Clarkson, Justin Timberlake, and Robin Thicke (the last of the three the only one to be labeled).

_"It was a twofold plan. We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving."_

Finn and Rachel are using a copy machine in a small office when Sue comes in, holding a pink protein shake and whistling. She stops upon seeing them and drops her cup, the top popping off and spreading across the floor.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

"That copy machine is for Cheerios use only." Sue says seriously. "Paid for by alumni donations. I can't begin to fathom the damage you'd have done to the program had you broken it."

"Hold on a second, Sue." Will tries to interrupt.

"I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender." Will exchanges a confused look with Figgins. "There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures don't apply to your students." She looks to Principal Figgins. "It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled."

Everyone besides Sue exchange bewildered looks with one another.

"How many copies did you guys make?" Mr. Schue asks.

"_Seventeen_," Sue intones seriously.

"Okay," Will continues. "And how much does a photocopy cost?"

"Four and a half cents," Figgins answers.

"How about they just pay for the copies?"

"I like this **compromise**." Figgins states. "Children, pay Miss Sylvester, and we'll let you off with a warning." (Finn whispers to Rachel, "Do you have half a cent?") "And, Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you to personally clean the congealed protein shake off the photocopy room floor."

"That's why we have janitors."

"Sue, we're in a recession, and concessions must be made. I've laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand." Finn, Rachel, and Will nod in agreement.

Sue slumps her shoulders, before straightening up from the bookcase she had been leaning against and looking down on the students. "Lady Justice wept today." She holds out her hand.

* * *

Mr. Schue walks out of the office looking annoyed as Finn and Rachel follow him.

"I'm sorry about that, Mr. Schue." Finn says.

"I'd like to get the fliers up before lunch time tomorrow." Rachel adds.

"You know what, guys?" Will asks, turning back toward them. "I don't want to hear it."

"Doing that song is gonna kill any chance the Glee Club has." Rachel insists. "It's a terrible idea."

"I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. We're doing the assembly, and you're not putting up those fliers." Will begins to walk away. "Everybody _loves_ disco!"

Finn looks down again. "It's official. I'm a dead man."

Rachel begins to walk alongside him down the hall. "Look, I know you're nervous, but you're really, _really_ talented."

"Stop it." Finn says bashfully.

"I mean, maybe it'll all be okay." They smile at one another for a moment. "Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school?"

"I can't. I got a Celibacy Club meeting." He says before walking away, Rachel watching after him.

* * *

Later that afternoon Will and Terri are having a bubble bath together in a claw footed tub at their apartment, Terri's back to his chest.

"Baby," Will begins, "I have some bad news."

"A wealthy relative died?" Terri asks, excitedly.

"I don't have any wealthy relatives."

"Oh," Terri says, disappointed.

"I've just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee Rehearsal. I-I can't find any extra work. That probably means… no grand foyer."

"Why can't we ever be the ones to catch a break?"

"No, no, no. It's gonna be okay, baby." Will reassures, rubbing her shoulders. "I mean, we don't need a grand foyer to be happy."

"No, you know what?" Terri asks, sitting up and turning to face him. "I'm so tired of the **compromising**. I want my grand foyer. I want my dream house. I work hard. I sacrifice. I deserve it." Terri gets out of the tub, grabbing her pink robe and putting it around herself. "You know, we give and we give. Do you think the big shots at Sheets-N-Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids—that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those _stupid_ dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back?"

Terri leaves and Will sighs, sinking back into the bubbly water until he's submerged.

* * *

Will goes back into work that night, and finds Principal Figgins in the photocopy room, scrapping a pink stain off the linoleum floor with a spray bottle beside him.

"I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself."

Figgins looks up at him. "Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds." He says in frustration, his accent coming out thicker because of it. "I've been here till ten p.m. every night, up to my elbows in _Vamoose_!"

He continues to scrap as Will crouches down to talk with him. "Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots?" Figgins doesn't look convinced. "I'll work at half salary." Now he does.

* * *

The following day is the day of the Celibacy club meeting. The club consists of seven Cheerios, Quinn as the President and Santana and Brittany on either side of her. Quinn bangs a gavel to bring the meeting to order.

"The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let _anyone_ join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week—Rachel What's-her-name."

Rachel sits on the opposite side of the room, apart from the group of uniform clad girls staring her down. "Where are all the boys?"

"Down the hall," Quinn retorts. "First half hour we separate, then we come together to share our faith."

* * *

In the room down the hall all the boys are just sitting around. One is messing with a deck of cards while Finn tosses a football up and down, while most of the others just look bored.

_"I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues."_

"I think I'm gonna kill myself." Jacob Ben Israel, a nerdy, slightly creepy Jewish boy with an Afro states. "I'm serious. We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day—Beer ads, those short skirts. I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation and not be able to do anything about it?"

"Are you kidding?" Puck asks. "Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her _ovaries_."

* * *

Santana demonstrates a spin for the other cheerleaders, the pleats of her skirt flying around her, but her spanks underneath concealing everything.

"God bless the perv that invented these." Quinn says fondly. "Remember the power motto, girls." She says before the other six Cheerios say with her, "It's all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing." The girls all start to dance, some twerking, one even calling out, "_Back it up like a dump truck, baby!_" Rachel remains at her table, rolling her eyes.

* * *

"So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?" a football player named Amir asks Finn.

"We grind," Finn admits, still casually throwing the football. "Make out."

"But how do you keep from… arriving early?" Jacob asks. "Whenever I _grind_—Cinco de Mayo!"

Finn chuckles. "It's not a problem for me, man." He and Puck high-five.

_"Actually, it's a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from _erupting_ too early you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver's permit."_

**_*Flashback*_**

Finn is behind the wheel of his mom's car, Carole in the passenger's seat. They are driving down their neighborhood.

"Pretty good, honey." Carole compliments. "Who says a father figure's necessary, huh?"

Finn laughs excitedly. "Driving's fun."

"Yeah," Carole smiles.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a man is sprawled across the massively cracked windshield. Finn slams down on the brakes as his mother lets out a blood-curdling scream and the mailman falls to the ground, his deliveries flying all over the place.

"_Oh, my God_!" Carole is screaming. "_Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him! What are you gonna do_?!"

**_*End of Flashback*_**

Quinn fills a balloon with an air dispenser that's plastered with a "Go Cheerios!" sticker.

"Let's pair up for the 'Immaculate Affection.'" The members of the Celibacy club are already sorted into pairs: Quinn with Finn, Santana with Puck, Brittany with a random jock, and Rachel unhappily paired with her childhood stalker, Jacob Ben Israel. "Now, remember, if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry."

Quinn and Finn place their balloon between their pelvises, smiling at one another. Rachel looks at them sadly before looking from her own balloon to Jacob. He waddles closer to her, capturing the gas filled party favor between them.

"You enchant me." Jacob says dreamily, placing his hands on her shoulders. Rachel looks away disgusted.

Nearby Puck is attempting to hump Santana through the balloon, much to her protests, but it is surprisingly not the first balloon to pop.

"Finn!" Quinn shouts indignantly.

"It must have hit my zipper." Finn stammers nervously.

"You know what? This is a joke." Rachel says, walking out of Jacob's reach and letting their balloon drop. "Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for **compromise**, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for."

"Don't you _dare_ mention the 'C' word." Quinn snaps.

"You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know?" Rachel asks, now looking directly at Finn. "Girls want sex just as much as guys do."

She storms out of the room.

"I-Is that accurate?" Jacob asks.

* * *

That night, Will is scraping gum off the underside of a table in the Astronomy classroom. Emma passes by the door and pauses at the sound of the strange noise. When she sees it's Will she immediately becomes curious, and enters the classroom. "Will?"

At the sound of his own name, Will jerks his head to look up, only for it to meet the wooden table above him. "Aaah!" he exclaims in surprise and slight pain. At the sight of his attractive colleague, he moves to stand, a hand to the sprouting bump on his head. "Emma—what are you doing here so late?"

"I do S.A.T. prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um—are you a janitor?"

"A ja—No." Will says, shaking his head dismissively.

"Really?" Emma begins. "'Cause you're dressed like a janitor and your shirt says 'Will.'"

"Um," Will sighs, knowing he's been caught. "Terri and I are trying to buy a house and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and—" he sighs again. "I'm _really_ embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us?"

"Yeah," Emma nods. "Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me."

"Thank you."

Emma looks around for a moment. "Do you, um—Do you want a hand?"

"Oh—No. I-I'm good, really." He reassures.

"Really?" Emma asks, still standing near the door. "Because I can see from here that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor," she begins, gesturing to the floor, then to the computer on the desk. "And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E. coli, because I know for a fact that Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos." She finishes, holding up two fingers.

Will blinks at her and before he knows it they're both cleaning the classroom.

* * *

"I really admire you working so hard for something you want." Emma compliments from where she's scrubbing the wall pencil sharpener with a toothbrush.

"Let's make a deal." Will proposes from where he's dusting a solar system model hanging from the ceiling using a step ladder. "You're helping me with my problem. How about I take a stab at one of yours?"

"Oh, no, I don't—I don't have a problem."

"You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour."

Emma ceases brushing. "Well, I mean, I have—I have a little trouble with messes, but it's not like it's a… problem."

Will sits down on the desk, waiting for her to be honest.

"Okay," Emma says. "When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm."

"_Really_?" Will chuckles.

"Yeah," Emma laughs too. "And when I was eight, we finally visited one, and after the tour and the yogurt tasting my—my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon."

"What?" Will asks, disbelieving.

"And, um, ever since then, I've just—I've had a little trouble forgetting the, uh—the smell."

"Have you thought about—I don't know—maybe seeing someone about that?"

"Oh, no," Emma says dismissively. "It's completely manageable. You know, I just—I take lots of showers and I, um—you know, I don't eat dairy, so it's—"

Will gets up from his seat on the desk and walks over to the blackboard where he collects some white chalk dust on his finger. "I want to try… a little experiment."

"Oh, no," Emma says in protest, watching the white finger as it comes closer and closer to her face. "No, I'm not really, um, comfortable with—with that—" she stops speaking when Will wipes the chalky substance on the top of her nose, visible to her if she were to cross her eyes. Instead, her focus is on Will. She stares deeply into his eyes, not even thinking about the impurity on her skin as he returns her stare. After a moment Will lifts his arm, the one wearing the unfortunate wedding ring on his hand, and rubs the dust from her face.

"There." He whispers, feeling no need to break the intimacy of the moment. "Ten seconds."

"New record," Emma whispers back. They continue to stare at each other a moment longer before in a slightly louder voice Emma says, "It's late. I should, um—I should be, um, going."

Emma moves to leave and Will stares after her. And though neither of them could see it, Ken Tanaka had been watching them through the window, and he is not happy.

* * *

The next day Rachel and the other New Directions are in the gym. Rachel bangs a gavel to gain their attention (much like Quinn in the Celibacy Club meeting) while they sit on the bleachers. "I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session."

"But Mr. Schuester isn't here." Artie says.

"Mr. Schuester isn't coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs."

"Ugh," Mercedes groans. "I'm so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Perón."

"Let her talk." Finn defends before nodding to Rachel.

"I have another idea for the assembly."

"Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?" Artie asks.

"They're not gonna kill us." Rachel insists. "Because we're gonna give them what they want."

"Blood?" Kurt deadpans.

"Better… _sex_." Rachel nods. She definitely has Finn's attention now.

* * *

It's finally the day of the assembly. The whole school is gathered in the gym waiting in a bored silence for the event to begin. Principal Figgins taps at a microphone on a stand that stands in front of an elevated platform and red curtain. Mr. Schue sits in a chair behind him.

"Silence, children, silence," He says into the completely quiet room, his monotone Indian accent prevalent. "First, an announcement: The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem. But let me warn you, there will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds… We're not going to have a repeat of last time." Sue, sitting in the crowd with her Cheerios, looks uncomfortable in remembrance. "We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester?"

Mr. Schue gets up to stand as Figgins takes his seat in the crowd near Sue.

"Yay, Glee!" Emma cheers, clapping her hands. She is the only one. "Glee kids, hooray!"

"Uh, hi," Mr. Schue says into the microphone. "Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we're on our way back." Sue stifles a laugh from the stands. "But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I could tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I'm gonna let some friends of mine show you instead."

The curtains open, the mike stand and chair are removed and the New Directions are revealed. They're all in blue and black outfits and in a pose when the music starts. The performance is raunchy and suggestive, nothing too vulgar, but the six New Directions members are oozing with far too much sex appeal for their fourteen to sixteen age range. The audience barely reacts throughout the song.

**Push It by Salt-n-Peppa**

**Performed by New Directions**

**FINN:  
Ah, push it  
Ah, push it**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

Will frowns, _This isn't disco._

**Oooh, baby, baby  
Baby, baby  
Oooh, baby, baby  
Baby, baby  
Get up on this!**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**MERCEDES:**  
**Hey!**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**TINA:**  
**Sa-Sa-Sa-Salt and Peppa's here!**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**RACHEL:**  
**Sa-Sa-Sa-Sa-Salt and Peppa's here!**

**ARTIE:**  
**Now wait a minute, y'all**  
**Now this dance ain't for everybody**  
**Only the sexy people**  
**So all you fly mothers**  
**Get on out there and dance**  
**Dance, I said!**  
**Holla**

**RACHEL (with TINA and MERCEDES):**  
**Sa-Salt and Peppa's (here)**  
**And we're in effect**  
**Want you to (push it, babe)**  
**Coolin' by day**  
**Then at night (working up a sweat)**  
**C'mon girls (let's go!)**  
**Let's go show the guys (that we know)**

Jacob Ben Israel watches with rapt attention.

**How to become (number one) in a hot party show (now push it)**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

Sue looks horrified as Emma dances subtly in her seat.

**NEW DIRECTIONS:  
Push it good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Push it real good**

Quinn watches angrily as Finn and Rachel dance suggestively together.

**FINN:  
Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Push it good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

Sue stares in disbelief as she sees her boss tapping his foot and swaying along to the music.

**NEW DIRECTIONS:  
P-Push it real good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**ARTIE:**  
**Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh, Uh**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**MERCEDES:**  
**Hey!**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**FINN (with KURT and ARTIE):**  
**Yo, baby-pop**  
**Yeah, you, come here (Gimme a kiss)**

Puck and the other Titans watch from the crowd looking unimpressed.

**Better make it fast  
Or else (I'm gonna get pissed)  
Can't you hear the music's (pumpin' hard)  
Like I (wish you would?)  
Now (push it)**

Finn looks worriedly towards his friends in the crowd when Kurt slaps his butt.

**FINN:  
Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Push it good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Push it real good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Push it good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**P-Push it real good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

Figgins continues to sway.

**FINN:  
Ah, push it**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**MERCEDES: **

**Aow!**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**ARTIE:**  
**Holla**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**MERCEDES:**  
**Hey!**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Ah push it**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Oooh, baby, baby**  
**Baby, baby**  
**Oooh, baby, baby**  
**Baby, baby**  
**Boy, you really got me going**  
**You got me so**  
**I don't know what I'm doing**  
**Oooh, baby, baby**  
**Baby, baby**  
**Oooh, baby, baby**  
**Baby, baby**  
**Boy, you really got me going**  
**You got me so**  
**I don't know what I'm doing**

**FINN:**

**Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:  
Push it good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Push it real good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Push it good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**P-Push it real good**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**FINN with NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Ah, push it**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**MERCEDES:**  
**Aow!**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**ARTIE:**  
**Holla**

**RACHEL, MERCEDES, TINA:**  
**Get up on this!**

**FINN:**  
**Ah, push it**

**MERCEDES:**  
**Hey!**

**NEW DIRECTIONS:**  
**Aaaahhh**  
**Push it!**

The crowd is silent for a moment before Jacob Ben Israel jumps up with a shouted "YES!" waking them all from their trance. The lights go up as the entire student body roars with applause, the only ones still sitting being Mr. Schue, Sue, and the Cheerios.

* * *

After the assembly Will, Sue, and Principal Figgins sit in the latter's office. The room is quiet as Will looks downward, Sue takes on a grave expression, and Figgins looks at the two seriously.

"Let me be the one to break the silence." Sue says. "That was _the_ most offensive thing I've seen in twenty years of teaching—and that includes an elementary school production of _Hair_."

"We've received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents," Figgins informs Will. "Many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity."

Will stammers, still looking down. "I-I really don't know what to say."

"Well, let me help you out then." Sue offers. "My first thought was that your students should be put into _foster care_." Will sighs at her dramatics. "But you're the one who should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school, as well as the disbanding of Glee Club."

"Now, hold on, Sue." Principal Figgins interrupts. "First of all, you have no authority here—"

"Debatable." Sue interjects.

"And second of all, the issue here is content. Those kids _are_ talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall." He looks to Will. "Your kids impressed me today, but I want all future performance songs to be run by me first. Understand?" Will nods, not daring to believe his own luck. "You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and I'm not talking about the girls." He turns back to the cheerleading coach. "So, Sue, I'm cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club."

"This will not _stand_." Sue bellows.

"Oh, _Sue_, the dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe."

* * *

Rachel waits outside the Principal's office, her head to the hallway's opened partition door. She looks up when Miss Sylvester passes her in a huff giving her the universal 'I've got my eye on you' gesture. When Mr. Schue follows her out she approaches him.

"Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry."

"Do you understand what you did today?" Will asks, turning to look at her. "You lied to me. _And_ you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schue, I was really just trying to help."

"Look," Will says. "I know how much you care about Glee Club, and I understand why you did what you did, but I don't like the way you did it." He walks away again, Rachel staying behind.

* * *

The following Monday Emma is in the teacher's lounge having her lunch. She removes a container holding a vine of green grapes and a pack of non-toxic sanitary wipes. She scrubs down each grape until they're squeaking then pops them into her mouth. Ken approaches her table, sliding two tickets across the table toward her, causing her to look up.

"They're for Tulip-A-Looza." He says in a resigned voice, whether for the mundaneness of the activity or the odds of his pending rejection it is unclear. "It's a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center. It's supposed to smell pretty nice."

"That's really sweet of you, Ken," Emma says. "But I have… a-asthma."

Ken looks at her a moment before he says, "What are you doing? Chasing a married guy." She looks up at him then. "I was doing equipment inventory last week and I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look, I don't know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder." Emma puts down her grape and wet wipe, looking downward as well. "I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy. They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse, and in this town, you're not gonna do much better." She looks up at him then. "Okay, I'm done talking now." He finishes, lifting his sagging shorts and exiting the room.

* * *

In the auditorium Rachel is playing a note on the piano. "Try it."

"_La!"_ Finn sings.

"Good!" Rachel encourages.

"That was good." Finn agrees.

"Okay, one more up." Rachel says, playing one note higher.

"_La_!" Finn sings again, straining a little this time, but still hitting the note.

"That was really good!"

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah," Rachel reassures. "It's like, the holy grail for a baritenor, so it's a good note. Alright, I'll start at the bottom, and then we'll go up higher."

"Can we take a break?" Finn asks. "Singing kind of makes me a little hungry."

"Yeah, yeah, sure," Rachel agrees, gesturing to the center of the stage. "Lucky I prepared for that." There is a blanket and several pillows laid out next to a picnic basket.

"Wow, I was wondering what that was all about." Finn says.

"Want to sit?" Rachel asks.

"Yeah, yeah, absolutely," Finn says, walking over to the set up.

"I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing." Rachel says, following him over to the blanket and sitting down as he does. "You kicked butt at the assembly."

"Well, this is my only chance to be, you know, good like you."

Rachel turns back from where she had been removing supplies from the basket. "You think I'm good?"

"Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane." Finn says frankly. "I mean, you talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there." Rachel looks away from him, disappointed. "But then I heard you sing." She snaps her head back. "I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here." He lifts his right arm and places it across his chest.

Rachel smiles slightly at him before leaning up. "Your heart's on the other side of your chest." She moves his hand to he can feel his heart.

"Oh," he laughs, anxiously. "It's beating really hard… you're cool, Rachel."

Rachel removes her hand from his wrist. "Do you want a drink?"

"Yeah," he says, letting out a shallow breath as she turns away, retrieving a travel mug out of the basket.

"Virgin Cosmos." She explains, uncapping the container and reaching for two plastic cups.

"That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club—that was really cool." Finn continues. She pours a red liquid into a clear plastic cup and hands it to him. "Thanks."

"Well, cheers." Rachel says awkwardly, offering to clink their glasses together.

"Cheers." Finn responds, hitting the edge of his cup to hers. "Cups are like the airplane cups." He says nervously before taking a sip. She puts hers down and there is a trace of red liquid at the top of her lips. "Oh, you got a little Cosmo right—" he reaches forward and brushes his thumb over her upper lip, her staring down at his hand before their eyes meet.

"You know, you can kiss me if you want to." Rachel says after Finn's hand has retreated.

"I want to."

Finn crawls toward her as she leans back against one of the stacks of pillows. They kiss tentatively as he leans over her, them alternating looking at each other throughout. Finn pulls away, gasping.

"What?"

**_*Flashback*_**

Finn relives hitting the mailman. His mother is screaming.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

Finn rips himself away from Rachel standing up and pulling his shirt lower.

"Did I do something wrong?" Rachel asks.

"No, no. Um," Finn says awkwardly. "I just gotta go. Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay?" He leaves as quickly as possible, leaving Rachel to sit alone in the center of the stage and cry into her hands.

* * *

Terri is at the gynecologist's office with her young Asian physician, Dr. Wu. She is lying on a reclined examination table as he pours ultrasound gel on her stomach and runs the projection device over her abdomen.

"I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed." Terri is saying as Dr. Wu stares at the mostly blank monitor. "So, I want you to run any and all tests you have."

"Trust me. You're clear."

"Are you sure?" Terri asks excitedly.

"Positive."

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Um—" he begins awkwardly, taking a seat. "Don't quite know how to put this… there's no baby."

Terri sits up quickly before asking seriously, "Did it fall out?"

He chuckles but stifles himself upon seeing her serious look. "Uh, no, uh, you're not pregnant."

"But I've gained ten pounds."

"It's probably from eating." Dr. Wu says, pointing to a point on the ultrasound. "I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. You're having what's called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms." Terri looks away in obvious disappointment. He reaches out to her. "If you're meant to get pregnant, it'll happen." He powers down the machine as Terri drops onto her back in frustration.

* * *

"I have to say, I'm really surprised you guys are trying out." Mr. Schue says.

He is in the choir room facing the Unholy Trinity: Quinn, Santana, and Brittany. The cheerleading uniformed girls stand together, Quinn in the middle, about to begin their Glee Club audition.

"Well, Mr. Schue," Quinn begins. "We were sort of on the fence about the club at first, but after last week's pep assembly we knew it would be a fun idea to join. Besides, Finn and I have been an item for a while now. So what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support him?"

"Well, let's see what you got." Will says, pressing the play button on the portable stereo next to him by the piano. The girls begin to perform a heavily practiced and tightly choreographed number featuring Quinn on lead.

**I Say A Little Prayer by Dionne Warwick (In the style of Aretha Franklin)**

**Performed by Quinn Fabray with Santana Lopez and Brittany Pierce**

**SANTANA and BRITTANY:**

**Say a little prayer for you**

**QUINN (SANTANA and BRITTANY):**

**The moment I wake up**

**Before I put on my make up (make up)**

**I say a little (pray for you)**

**While combing my hair now  
And wondering what dress to wear now (wear now)  
I say a little (prayer for you)**

**QUINN, SANTANA, BRITTANY:**

**Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart  
And I will love you  
Forever, and ever, we never will part  
Oh, how I love you  
Together, together, that's how it must be  
To live without you  
Would only mean heartbreak for me**

**QUINN (SANTANA and BRITTANY):**

**I run for the bus, dear  
While riding I think of us, dear (us, dear)  
I say a little (prayer for you)  
At work I just take time  
And all through my coffee break-time (break-time)  
I say a little (prayer for you)**

**QUINN, SANTANA, BRITTANY:  
Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart  
And I will love you  
Forever, and ever we never will part  
Oh, how I love you  
Together, together, that's how it must be  
To live without you  
Would only mean heartbreak for me.**

**SANTANA and BRITTANY:**

**I say a little prayer for you  
I say a little prayer for you**

**QUINN (SANTANA and BRITTANY):**

**My darling believe me (believe me)  
For me there is no one but you!  
Please love me too (answer her pray)  
And I'm in love with you (answer her pray)  
Answer my prayer now babe (answer her pray)**

**QUINN, SANTANA, BRITTANY:**

**Forever, and ever, you'll stay in my heart  
And I will love you  
Forever, and ever we never will part  
Oh, how I'll love you  
Together, forever, that's how it must be  
To live without you  
Would only mean heartbreak for me**

* * *

"Let me get this straight." Sue says, staring down her star performers as they sit across from her in her office. "You're joining _Glee Club_?"

"I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester." Quinn begins. "But something is going on between Finn and that _thing_. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Please don't kick us off the Cheerios." She ends, pleading.

Sue snaps a finger, pointing at her. "Cease fire on the waterworks. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it." She lowers her hand. "You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure. But it wasn't until this very moment, I saw how alike we really are." She leans toward them. "You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within."

Santana chuckles, offering her hand to Brittany behind Quinn's back who high-fives her.

"And I'm gonna get my boyfriend back." Quinn says excitedly.

"I don't care so much about that." Sue states.

* * *

Emma is in the school hallway that same day, spraying and brushing down the water fountain.

"Hey, Emma, guess what?" Will asks, running up to her. "I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes." He shows her the small packet in his hands. "What do you say? Boy's bathroom in the science wing? Nine o'clock?" he proposes flirtatiously.

"Will, what are we doing?" Emma asks. "I mean, you're having a baby." He looks taken aback and slightly guilty for a moment before she continues, "Um, and anyway, uh—I have a date."

"Oh, that's great. With who?"

"I'm gonna go to Tulip-A-Looza," she nods. "With Ken."

They nod to each other once again before she picks up her bag and walks away down the hall.

* * *

That night when Will gets home from his janitorial duties, where he used those disinfecting bleach wipes _alone_, he walks into the dining room to see someone there waiting for him.

"There's my man." Terri says, clicking the trigger on a lighter to inflame a candle. On the table she has dinner, drinks, place settings and a candle lain out. "Bringing home the bacon."

"You made dinner." Will notes disbelievingly as he stares at the table and removes his bag from his shoulder. "I thought you'd be asleep."

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie—from scratch."

He chuckles as the two take seats at the table. "Terri, that's so thoughtful. I—yeah, you know, I've been working so hard lately, sometimes I forget what I'm doing it for. Family's what's important to me. You and our little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that."

"Yeah." She says, wide-eyed and trying to hide her worry.

"I'm sorry, what is it you wanted to talk about?" he asks, unfolding his napkin.

"I went to the baby doctor today."

"And?"

"And…" Terri pauses for a moment. "It's a boy."

Will is shocked for a moment before he gets up from his seat. "Oh my god, Terri, that's amazing."

"Yeah," Terri smiles, trying to mask the massive lie she just told. She gets up to hug her husband. "I want you to give up being a janitor." She says, backing away.

"What?"

"Yeah, we don't need a new house. We'll turn my craft room into a nursery." Will looks at her confused. "It's a **compromise** that I want to make."

"Really?" Will asks, incredulously.

"Yeah," Terri declares. "You know, the only project that I want to work on now… is us."

Will leans forward and kisses her, before hugging her once more. "I love you so much."

Terri clutches onto him, looking over his shoulder guiltily.

* * *

The next day in the choir room, Rachel looks down on a copy of sheet music for "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey. She looks up at Mr. Schue.

"You're giving _Quinn Fabray_ the solo?" She asks, shaking her head and barely daring to _believe_ it herself. "That's _my_ solo."

"You made this happen, Rachel." Will says, looking through sheet music. "You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly. Figgins approved of Quinn's audition song, and frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it."

"You're punishing me."

"Contrary to your beliefs, it's not all about you." She looks away from him. "Or, I've realized, about me. Look, I screwed up too." Rachel looks back to him again. "I'm as responsible for what you did at that assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard." He leans against the piano, getting more on the shorter girl's level. "When we did it back in '93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun." Rachel begins to smile. "And that—That is what Glee is supposed to be about." She looks downward again. "If we're gonna succeed, we both need to change our mind sets." He stands up straight again, collecting the music. "You're not always gonna be the star." She looks up again. "But I promise to do my best to make sure you're always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. We're on our way." He puts the music in his bag, puts the bag on his shoulder and makes to leave.

"Can I use the auditorium later to practice?" Rachel asks. "Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit."

"Sure,"

* * *

Rachel sings on the stage in the auditorium, Mercedes and Tina as her backup vocals, and alternates singing into her hairbrush in her room at home and fantasizing about singing directly at Finn and Quinn in the hallway as they talk and flirt by a locker, becoming more emotional throughout the performance.

**Take a Bow by Rihanna**

**Performed by Rachel Berry with Mercedes Jones and Tina Cohen-Chang**

**RACHEL:  
Ho whoa, how about a round of applause  
Hey, standin' ovation  
Ooh ohh, yeah, yeah, yeah, eh**

**You look so dumb right now**  
**Standin' outside my house**  
**Tryin' to apologize**  
**You're so ugly when you cry**  
**Please, just cut it out**  
**And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not**  
**Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught**

**RACHEL (MERCEDES and TINA):**  
**But you put on quite a show (oh whoa)**  
**Really had me goin'**  
**Now it's time to go (oh whoa)**  
**Curtain's finally closin'**  
**That was quite a show (oh whoa)**  
**Very entertaining (oh whoa)**  
**But it's over now (but it's over now)**  
**Go on and take a bow, ohh, ohh**

**Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone)**

**RACHEL with MERCEDES and TINA:**  
**You better hurry up**

**RACHEL (TINA and MERCEDES):**  
**Before the sprinklers come on (come on)**  
**Talkin' bout'**  
**Girl, I love you, you're the one**  
**This just looks like a re-run**  
**Please, what else is on (whoa, whoa)**  
**And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not (whoa)**  
**Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught (whoa)**

**You put on quite a show (oh whoa)**  
**Really had me goin'**  
**Now it's time to go (oh whoa)**  
**Curtain's finally closin'**  
**That was quite a show (oh whoa)**  
**Very entertaining (oh whoa)**  
**But it's over now (but it's over now)**  
**Go on and take a bow, ohh, ohh**

**And the award for the best liar goes to you (goes to you)**

**RACHEL (with MERCEDES and TINA):**  
**(For makin' me) believe (that you) could be (faithful) to me**  
**Let's hear your speech out...!**

**RACHEL (MERCEDES and TINA):**  
**(But you put on quite a show, really had me goin')**  
**Now it's time to go (oh whoa)**  
**Curtain's finally closin'**  
**That was quite a show (oh whoa)**  
**Very entertaining (oh whoa)**  
**But it's over now (but it's over now)**  
**Go on and take a bow**

**But it's over now**

* * *

**MAIN CAST**

**Dianna Agron as Quinn Fabray**

**Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel**

**Kevin McHale as Artie Abrams**

**Lea Michele as Rachel Berry**

**Cory Monteith as Finn Hudson**

**Matthew Morrison as Will Schuester**

**Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones**

**Mark Salling as Noah Puckerman**

**Jenna Ushkowitz as Tina Cohen-Chang**

**Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester**

**Jayma Mays as Emma Pillsbury**

**Jessalyn Gilsig as Terri Schuester**

**GUEST CAST**

**Patrick Gallagher as Ken Tanaka**

**Iqbal Theba as Principal Figgins**

**Jennifer Aspen as Kendra Giardi**

**Romy Rosemont as Carole Hudson**

**Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez**

**Heather Morris as Brittany Pierce**

**Kenneth Choi as Dr. Wu**

**Valorie Hubbard as Peggy (The Realtor)**

**CO-STARS**

**Ethan, Aidan and Ben Freedman as Giardi triplets**

**Jacob Hashem as Amir**

**Michael Loeffelholz as Phil Giardi**

**Josh Sussman as Jacob Ben Israel**

* * *

Next Episode: Acafellas


	3. Acafellas

**A/N: Here we have episode three. I'm trying to post these weekly, like any show, but try not to hold me to that. Just read, enjoy, and review! It really keeps me going. Happy Holidays everybody! (P.S. The theme of this episode is ****_confidence _****[with a bonus of ****_guts_****])**

* * *

**Here's what you missed last week: The Glee Club were supposed to perform at the school assembly and Will really wanted them to do disco, but Rachel had other plans. Also, the Unholy Trinity joined Glee Club. Sue wants them to spy and destroy it from within, but Quinn just wants to keep an eye on Finn, which is probably a good idea, because he kissed Rachel. Ouch. Oh, and it turns out Terri's not actually pregnant, not that Mr. Schue knows that. And that's what you missed on GLEE!**

* * *

In the Schuester apartment Will and Terri are having a sit down dinner with his parents. Mr. Schuester is a kind-faced, silver haired man who likes to rock a bowtie while his wife, Mrs. Schuester, wears her hair like a newscaster and has a happy disposition that only amplifies after a few glasses of wine. She is taking a sip of red before she looks to her daughter-in-law and asks, "When did you start cooking, Terri?"

"Oh, it's just hamburger casserole." Terri brushes off modestly. "Look out for bones."

As Mrs. Schuester looks back down at her dinner questioningly Terri exchanges a look with her husband before he says, "I'm sorry, I, uh—" he breaks off, laughing elatedly. "I can't hold it in any longer." He stands up, removing the napkin from his lap and taking a wine glass with him. "Mom, Dad… Terri's pregnant."

"What?" Terri asks, looking to Will in surprise while his mother gasps.

"It's a boy." Will continues.

Both of his parents let out exclamations of joy and excitement. "Our first grandbaby!" Mrs. Schuester exudes to her husband as everyone at the table stands to exchange hugs, Mister going for Terri and Misses going for Will.

"Oh, that's fantastic!" Mr. Schuester says, releasing Terri.

"Thank you, yeah." Terri stammers nervously turning to her husband who has just finished his embrace with his mother. "Sweetheart? Honey, I thought we weren't gonna tell anybody yet."

"Your secret is safe with me." Mr. Schuester assures. "I spent six months in the Hanoi Hilton; never said a word. Am I right, Doodle?" he asks his wife affectionately.

"That's right, honey."

They all begin to chuckle, Terri nervously. "Yeah, we're gonna turn the craft room into the nursery."

"Oh! Show me!" Mrs. Schuester asks excitedly walking toward the room she knew to be the craft room.

"Okay." Terri says, following her mother-in-law out of the room.

The two men, father and son, remain. They chuckle before sighing together, the older of the two offering his wine glass for his son to clink with his own. "I'm really happy for you, Son."

"To tell you the truth, I'm terrified." Will admits as his father takes a drink from his glass. "I… don't know how to do this."

"No one does." Will's father declares. "Look at me. I was a mess. I worked all the time, traveling. I was too strict."

"Okay, you're not instilling me with a great deal of **confidence** here, Dad." Will sighs heavily. "I mean, I'm already up all night thinking about this."

"That's my fault." Mr. Schuester admits in return. "The **confidence** thing; boys learn that from their fathers." He walks from where he was standing behind Terri's vacated chair to the window. "I started at Zuckerman & Zuckerman in college. I needed some extra cash. I was saving up… for law school. But I never went… never even applied. Didn't have the balls. So I settled for insurance. I mean, who was I to become a lawyer?"

"You would've been a great one." Will protests. "You're the smartest guy _I _know."

"It's not about brains, Son. Being a good father—hell, being a man—is all about one thing: **guts**. And you've got about six months to figure out if you have any."

* * *

In glee club the following day Mr. Schue is running through the choreography for a number with the kids to the accompaniment of their piano player, Brad, a blond bearded man who refuses to own a single piece of clothing that isn't black. Most of the kids are trying to follow along. Some awkwardly (like Finn) and some completely ignoring the steps (like Quinn). Rachel follows half-heartedly, her eyes scrutinizing the moves. She looks to the cheerleaders, before speaking up.

"Uh, c-could we stop, please?"

"You don't have to ask every time for permission to go to the bathroom, Rachel." Mr. Schue says once the music stops. He points to the door before returning to his dance position. "You can just go."

"It's not my bladder." Rachel interjects once again. "It's the choreography."

"Okay," Mr. Schue says, before turning to face her. "What's wrong with the choreography?"

**_*Flashback*_**

"It sucks." Quinn puts bluntly.

"It's completely unoriginal." Santana specifies.

The two Cheerios had cornered Rachel in the hall before rehearsal to convince her to convey their message. Brittany, being the nicest of the three, had already gone to the choir room.

"Aren't you guys gonna get shunned for talking to me?" Rachel asks, clutching her books to her chest.

"Sweetie, we're a team now." Quinn says in a falsely sweet voice. "But you gotta do something about Mr. Schue's dance routines."

"I don't really think they're that bad." Rachel supplies meekly.

"And that's why you're the one who posts depressing sing-along videos on MySpace while we're on a National Championship cheerleading squad." Quinn replies bitingly.

"You really think we're gonna beat those Show Choir Nazis at Carmel with stomps and claps?" Santana asks rhetorically.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

"We can't compete with Vocal Adrenaline with these steps." Rachel continues in the choir room. "You're a great vocal coach, Mr. Schue," Rachel looks to Quinn for assistance but the girl just stares back at her. "But… you're not a… trained choreographer. That's what we need to be the best. We need Dakota Stanley."

**_*Flashback*_**

"He's the best show choir choreographer in the Midwest." Quinn tells Rachel as she and Santana walk on either side of the Jewish girl down the hallway. "He works with Vocal Adrenaline."

"You can't take Regionals without him." Santana adds. "He was the understudy to the Candelabra in _Beauty and the Beast_… _on Broadway_!" Santana finishes in a sing-song voice.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

"Just because he understudied doesn't mean he ever performed." Will counters.

"Did you ever perform, Mr. Schuester?" Quinn asks, slightly tauntingly. "After high school. Did you even try?"

* * *

"I wanted to. That was my dream, you know?" Will is pacing in Emma's office talking to her about the events of the rehearsal he just left. He walks along the glass wall behind one of the two chairs facing her desk while she dusts her potted plants. "I-I just never had—"

"The **guts**?" Emma finishes for him. "They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. I mean, look at, um—look at John Stamos."

"I don't know." Will sighs, sitting down. "I guess I'm… also just nervous about being a dad. I want my kid to be proud of me. I want to set a good example, you know?" he breaks off as Emma nods understandingly before looking up to her. "I hope it's cool, me unloading on you like this. I don't want there to be any awkwardness."

"Oh, no, no, none at all," Emma stammers, now moving on to dusting an orchid. "I mean, especially since we're—we're both in relationships now, both of us."

"Right,"

"I'm in a relationship. You're in a relationship."

"Exactly, yeah," Will says awkwardly as Emma continues to dust. "H-How's it going with Ken?"

"Great. It's great. It's wonderful." Emma says quickly in a dull voice without looking at him. "I mean, you know, he's flawed, but he—he knows who he is, and that's—that's great, and there really is nothing sexier in a man than—than **confidence**, you know?"

They share an awkward smile.

* * *

**"GLEE"**

* * *

Will walks into the teacher's lounge to find Sandy Ryerson sitting at a table, filing his nails. He pours some coffee into his mug he left by the sink and passes Ken Tanka who is digging through the faculty refrigerator.

"Sandy," Will greets. "I thought you weren't allowed on campus."

"No, William. I'm not allowed within fifty feet of _children_. Besides, Henri and I go way back. I got him a job before we even had a shop class. I told Figgins that you are going to have a school full of nancys unless you get some hot wood in those teenagers' hands."

"Here comes Henri." Ken warns, having come over from the door where he'd been looking down the hall.

"Oh, shoot," Will says. "Terri was supposed to bring a cake."

In through the doorway comes tanned, beaten down and perpetually drowsy Henri St. Pierre. He trudges in, his eyes heavy and he lifts his bandage wrapped hands, now without thumbs. "I'm back."

**_*Flashback*_**

Henri is in the woodshop classroom wearing coveralls and goggles on his forehead. He throws an empty bottle of cough syrup into a nearby trash can where it joins a pile of others. With a sleepy expression on his face he edges a plank of wood to an automatic saw.

_"Henri had a little problem with over-the-counter cough medicine."_

There is a sickening crunch and Henri gives a violent flinch.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

_"He ended up cutting off his thumbs. It was a real tragedy."_

Henri takes a two-handed sip from his coffee cup. "I'll never hitchhike across Europe. That was a dream, man."

In through the door comes Howard Bamboo, Assistant-Assistant Manager of Sheets-N-Things, holding a cake.

"Where's Terri?" Will asks.

"Doing inventory," Howard says in his default bored voice. "I can't count higher than thirty."

He places the cake in front of Henri. It's vanilla with white frosting and for decoration it has on top two hands with the thumbs extended upward with the words in red icing reading, "Two Thumbs Up". The men all share awkward glances while Henri stares at the cake as if it were mocking him, Howard patting him on the back. Once everyone has a slice Henri tries to use only his fingers to wrangle his fork into giving him a piece of his hand slice. He eventually gives up on the plastic fork and picks up is small orange plate, biting off the pastry appendage he no longer owns.

"You know, this is nice." Will says, putting his hands behind his head and trying to break the silence. "I can't remember the last time I just hung out with the guys, really talked about our feelings."

"Wanna know what I'm feeling?" Ken asks rhetorically. "I live at the YMCA. I only have one pair of long pants. I—"

"Oh, please." Sandy interrupts. "My life is a disaster with no creative outlet—other than writing my _Desperate Housewives_ fan fiction."

"I'm afraid of my vacuum." Howard adds.

"I know how you guys feel." Will says sitting up. "I apparently don't know how to dance."

"I don't have thumbs." Henri says in a bitter voice, one of his mummified hands keeping his head up. The others once again share an awkward look, muttering sorrys and patting his arm and back again before he begins to cry.

**For He's a Jolly Good Fellow**

**Performed by Acafellas**

**SANDY:  
For he's a jolly good fellow**

SANDY, WILL, KEN and HOWARD:  
For he's a jolly good fellow  
For he's a jolly good fellow  
That nobody can deny

Henri sniffles as his crying comes to an end.

"Hey," Will comments. "That was pretty good.

**This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan**

**Performed by Acafellas**

**WILL:  
This is how we do it**

Will is teaching choreography to Ken, Howard, and Henri in his apartment that night as they continue to rehearse and sing a cappella.

**ACAFELLAS:  
This is how we do it (WILL: La, la, la, la, la, la)  
Oh, oh, oh (WILL: Ohhh)  
This is how we do it (WILL: Yeaaah)**

_"Two weeks ago, I would've agreed that four grown men rehearsing a cappella hip-hop in my living room was embarrassing. But bustin' out some white-hot new jack swing—I'll tell you, I've never felt more __**confident**__."_

**WILL:  
This is how we do it  
It's Friday night, **

_"Henri thought we should call our group—"_

"Crescendudes,"

**And I feel all right  
The party is here on the west side**

_"While Ken thought—"_

"Testostertones,"

_"was more manly,"_

**So I reach for my 40 and I turn it up  
Designated driver take the keys to my truck  
Hit the shore cause I'm faded  
Honeys in the street say, Monty, yo we made it!**

_"And then we heard a single word leave Howard's lips, and we knew we had our name."_

"Acafellas,"

**WILL with ACAFELLAS:  
It feels so good—**

Will opens his front door, the other Acafellas lined up behind him, to reveal Sandy in a powder blue and ruffled prom tuxedo. "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."

"Sandy, we voted." Will says, looking back to his other band members quickly. "When you're in the group, it's creepy." He then slams the door in his face before he has much time to protest.

**WILL:  
This is how we do it**

ACAFELLAS:  
This is how we do it (Will: La, la, la, la, la, la)

"Will!" Terri shouts, coming out of their bedroom wearing her pink robe, causing all the men to freeze and stop singing. "If I don't get some sleep, I could miscarry."

"I'm sorry, Ter. Um—I'll be right in?"

"I hope so." Terri says in a seductive voice before returning to the bedroom. Will gets a sly look on his face and no sooner is the group out the door before and he and his wife are going at it.

_"Being in a boy band did wonders for our love life. Seeing me feel so good about myself made my wife more attracted to me in every way."_

Terri sits in the bathroom and groans, looking at another failed pregnancy test.

_"It was amazing. I mean, we started doin' it _once a week_. It was like she was trying to make a twin."_

And again another negative pregnancy test.

* * *

Rachel enters the choir room, carrying with her a tray of cookies. The glee club is dispersed around the room: the Unholy Trinity huddled together; Tina, Mercedes, and Kurt in a line braiding each other's hair while Artie sits with them; and Finn plucks notes on the piano.

"He's not coming." Rachel says.

"What happened?" Finn asks.

**_*Flashback*_**

Mr. Schue is at his desk in the Spanish room making himself a cup of tea. Rachel appears and presents a pink tray of vegan star shaped sugar cookies with white icing and the letters spelling out "I'm Sorry" in pink.

"They're my famous sugar cookies." Rachel explains. "I bake them for the poor during the Holidays, but I whipped up a special batch just for you. I wanted to say how sorry I was for what I said."

"Don't be. You were right." Mr. Schue says dismissively, squirting lemon juice into his mug. "You know, the truth is, Rachel, if you weren't so hard on me, I never would have had the **guts** to start Acafellas."

"But we need you, Mr. Schue." Rachel says, coming closer. "You've missed six rehearsals in the past couple of weeks, and when you're there, you're not really there."

"Which is why I think you should go ahead and hire Montana."

"Dakota,"

"Whatever." Will says. "You know, I'll still be there to help you guys sing and stuff, but, uh, I just don't have time for all of it anymore." He pats her shoulder as he passes her to leave.

**_*End of Flashback*_**

Rachel places her tray on top of the piano.

"Of course he doesn't want anything to do with us after you kicked him in the 'nads!" Finn says, getting up from the piano bench.

"He's a teacher, Finn; he's more mature than that!" Rachel counters. "And if that's true then why did he thank me?"

"The goal is to win," Santana interjects. "And now that Mr. Schuester has agreed to let us hire Dakota Stanley, we can."

"But he doesn't want us to." Finn protests. "He just doesn't have the **confidence** to coach us anymore. Guys are real sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff."

"And that's my fault?" Rachel asks.

"You see anyone else in here with a plate of 'I'm Sorry' cookies? I don't. Just you."

"I'm bored." Quinn states, standing from her chair, "All those in favor of hiring Dakota Stanley?" she asks raising her hand.

Kurt, Mercedes, Tina, and the other two Cheerios raise their hands. Rachel does too shooting a defiant smile at Finn. Finn looks around at the group. Artie looks like he wants to raise his hand as well, but when he catches Finn's gaze his hand goes limp in his lap.

* * *

Rachel leaves the choir room with her arms crossed. Finn comes out chasing after her. "Hey, wait up. Y-You can't do this to Mr. Schuester."

"What? Make him a hero?" Rachel asks. "Once we hire Dakota and win Nationals, he'll thank me for it. You heard Santana. It's all about winning."

"Since when?"

"Look," Rachel says, still continuing to walk. "You have your popular clique and your football and your cliché of a blonde girlfriend. Glee is my one shot. If this doesn't work out, then my whole high school life will be nothing but an embarrassment."

"Wh-What's a 'cliché'? Is that a bad thing?" Finn asks, before touching her arm and coming to stand in front of her. "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, is this one of those chick things where you're pissed about one thing but you're just pretending like you're pissed about something else?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Rachel says, shaking her head.

"Well, for a while there, you were kind of all over me, and now you just yell at me all the time. Makes me think you're still upset about what happened in the auditorium."

"I'm not." Rachel says, walking past him again. "I'm sorry to not be such an active member in your fan club anymore, but I've moved on and I'm focusing on my career now."

"D-Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No and neither do you." Rachel says, turning around to face Finn again, her arms still crossed. "It's kind of ironic how you're Mr. Popular and I'm just this nobody that everybody makes fun of. But I have enough **confidence** to say out loud that what happened between us in the auditorium was real. You have feelings for me and you just don't have the **guts** to admit it. We're hiring Dakota Stanley." She makes to leave again until his words stop her progress.

"Even if it means me quitting?"

"Yes." Rachel says after a moment without turning around before continuing down the hall.

* * *

"It's a good start." Sue encourages the Unholy Trinity as she uses the elliptical in her office that afternoon. "You're sowing the seeds of destruction."

"Mr. Schuester barely even shows up for rehearsals." Santana says.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, 'barely' will not cut it. I will not be satisfied until Glee Club is disbanded. And what about this Dakota character? Any chance he actually helps?"

Quinn shakes her head with a conspiratorial smile. "They're soft. He'll eat them alive. I give them fifteen minutes before the first one quits or tries to commit suicide."

Sue steps down from her exercise machine and runs a towel across the back of her neck before sitting at her desk chair. "You know, ladies—learned a lot in Special Forces. I was on the strike team in Panama when we extracted Noriega. We took out the shepherd, then we went after the sheep. You need to go after these Glee Clubbers one by one." Quinn and Santana nod, while Brittany sits by looking uncomfortable. "I want my full budget restored. I need a fog machine."

* * *

Mercedes stands in the hallway, leaning against a locker staring after a couple who has just walked by holding hands. She notices others too, Santana and Puck making out against a wall, another couple exchanging loving glances. From behind her Kurt struts up to his locker, spinning the dial and opening it.

"Have you ever kissed anybody?" Mercedes asks.

"Yes," Kurt says, retrieving a bottle of hairspray from within his locker. "If by 'anybody' you mean the tender crook of my elbow." He finishes jokingly, applying the spray on a patch of his styled hair. When he notices her somber expression he puts the product away and continues, "No, I haven't. But I want to." Mercedes continues to look as Puck kisses Santana in farewell. "Okay, stop it right there, Mercedes." Kurt says, closing his locker. "We are in _Glee Club_. That means we are at the bottom of the social heap. Special Ed kids will get more play than we will. The only thing that gets me by is my knowledge that we are superior to all of them." Kurt throws a distasteful look to a passerby, making Mercedes smile before he hooks his arm with hers and they begin to walk down the hall together. "What are you wearing on our Operation Dakota Stanley field trip?"

"Is there a dress code?" Mercedes asks incredulously.

"No, but every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion." The Unholy Trinity round the corner, spotting the two together. Quinn and Santana share an evil smile while Brittany looks at them, shaking her head pleadingly as the other two advance. She tries to hold Santana back by grabbing her hand, but she quickly shakes her off. "We'll hit the mall after school. Meet me at lunch." Kurt says in parting before Mercedes is ambushed by the two evil Cheerios.

"You should totally scoop that." Quinn encourages as she and Santana lock arms with Mercedes, Santana even running her fingers through Mercedes' curls while she's faced away.

Mercedes chuckles. "I don't think I'm his type."

"Oh, I think you are." Quinn says as Santana nods. "Just follow our lead. We've got your back.

* * *

The Acafellas are performing at Benchwarmers Sports Bar on a stage with gold tinsel lining the walls. Audience members include Will's parents, Terri, Emma, and Principal Figgins. Henri's microphone is taped to his right hand.

**Poison by Bell Biv DeVoe**

**Performed by Acafellas**

**ACAFELLAS:  
Oh!**

WILL:  
Poison!

**Yeah, Spider-Man and Freeze in full effect**

**You ready, Ken?**

**KEN:  
I'm ready**

WILL:  
You ready, Henri?

HENRI:  
I'm ready Will, are you?

WILL:  
Oh yeah break it down

WILL (ACAFELLAS):  
Girl I must (warn you)  
I sense something strange in my mind (boom)  
The situation is (serious)  
Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time (time)

HOWARD:  
Can't get her outta my head

HENRI:  
Miss her, kiss her, love her

KEN:  
Wrong move you're dead

HOWARD (ACAFELLAS):  
That girl is (poison, ooh, ooh, oho)  
Never trust a big butt and smile  
That girl is (poison)

Principal Figgins watches amazed, looking around at the crowd who is jamming along.

**KEN:  
Poison deadly moving it slow  
Looking for a mellow fellow like DeVoe  
Getting paid laid so better lay low  
Schemin' on hots my end the pro show  
The low pro ho should be cut like an afro  
See what you're sayin' huh  
She's weighin' you but I know she's a loser**

HENRI:  
How do you know?

ACAFELLAS:  
Me and the crew used to do her

Will blows a kiss to the crowd, aimed at his wife. Emma, who is sitting in front of Terri, misinterprets it for a moment showing a startled and joyous expression on her face. Once she remembers she nervously begins to clap, Terri looking at her suspiciously as she shouts, "Yay, Ken! Ken Tanaka!"

Will and the others embrace onstage as they rake in the applause.

_"In my own little way, I felt like I was finally… _a star_."_

* * *

Will's father is selling copies of the group's homemade album "Meet the Acafellas" where the four men wear green shirts and purple suspenders that match the background while a star, microphone, and staff finish out the artwork to a bar patron.

"Thank you so much." Mr. Schuester says handing the CD over.

"Acafellas!" His wife shouts after her, holding a glass of white wine.

Will approaches and they embrace him enthusiastically. "This is huge! We just sold all seventeen copies of your CD." Schuester Senior informs his son.

"I didn't even have to show any of them my bosoms." Mrs. Schuester adds drunkenly.

Will nods awkwardly as his mother smiles at him widely.

"Doodle, honey?" Mr. Schuester asks, causing his wife to turn to him. "Go get yourself a Sanka."

"Okay," she smiles before heading back to the bar.

"Thanks, Mom," Will says as she passes. "Good job." When she's gone he hugs his father again.

"I bought one for my grandson," Will's father informs him, showing him the record in his hand. "So he can hear for himself how good his old man was."

"Schue!" The two men turn at the sound of the call and are approached by Principal Figgins. "That was an amazing performance!"

"Oh, thank you." Mr. Schue says, sharing a look with his father. "I mean—you know, we're just starting out, so—"

"Look, there's a P.T.A. meeting next Thursday night, and I want Acafellas to be the main event." The Schuesters exchange another look. "I need those parents happy! They found out we've been serving the children prison food."

Another awkward exchange before Will's boss walks away and father and son embrace again.

* * *

"Well?" Ken asks Will as they, Henri, and Ken are in the Teacher's lounge the following Monday. Will has in his hands a copy of The Lima News style section and on a side article there lays a small headline entitled, "Acafellas A Big Hit!" by Kim Kincaid.

"'Is it too soon to call Will Schuester the next Michael Bublé?'" Will reads aloud. "'The audience last Thursday at Benchwarmers Sports Bar didn't think so. And Ken Tanaka's smoky baritone is like a cool fog that sweeps over a deep ocean of emotional intensity.'" Ken chuckles bashfully. "'A big thumbs-up to Henri St. Pierre, who proves you don't need all ten fingers to pluck a lady's heartstrings like a well-tuned sexy harpsichord.'" Ken nudges Henri who, while nibbling on a small raw carrot from a baggie in front of him on the table, hits one of his bandage wrapped hands against his chest in pride. "'Only Howard'— Um, sorry, Howard. They didn't say anything about you." Howard, who had been sporting a rare smile, lets his face drop. "'Buckle up, Ohio. Are you ready for a new musical sensation? You'd better be, because here come the Acafellas.'" Will high-fives Ken as he puts down the paper.

In through the door comes Sandy, going for a mug and walking toward the coffee pot. "Oh, congratulations on your dead-tree valentine, gentlemen." He deadpans. "By the way, I want in." Will stands to confront the issue again, but Sandy without looking to him holds up his hand. "Stop right there, William." He turns to face him. "I've got two words for you: Josh. Groban. He's coming to the P.T.A. event."

"Who is Josh Groban?" Howard asks.

Sandy turns to him looking affronted. "'Who is Josh Groban?' Kill yourself!" Both Will and Sandy sit down. "He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critics' Choice Award."

"Why would he come to our show?" Ken asks.

"Because _I_ invited him," Sandy says, reclining back in his chair proudly before getting up to stand again. "Josh and I have become frequent pen pals since he accidentally friended me on MySpace. And being my close personal confidant, he is only interested if I am in the group."

Will stands again, crossing his arms. "No, Sandy. We have standards."

Both Will and Sandy look to the other three. Ken crosses his arms trying to look tough; Henri throws down a carrot stick doing the same, while Howard is still looking somber, thinking about being clubbed to death by a Critics' Choice Award.

"Okay, fine." Sandy says, grabbing his mug. "But just so you know, the blogs are all atwitter. They say he's looking for an opening act."

* * *

A beat-up, old black car that has definitely seen better days pulls up on the sidewalk in front of the Carmel High Auditorium Building. Out of the Passenger's side comes Mercedes, the back row containing Rachel and Tina, and out of the driver's side comes Kurt. Pulling up behind them the Unholy Trinity all climb out of Quinn's red Volkswagen Beetle.

"Damn, Kurt, this car really is… something." Mercedes says awkwardly. It is very clear that Kurt and this car have nothing in common.

"Don't sugarcoat it, Mercedes. I know it's an eyesore." Kurt says with no real malice in his voice. "But it's my eyesore. My dad got it for my Sweet Sixteen; the benefits of him owning a tire and auto body shop." Kurt adds wistfully, locking the car door.

"Are we even sure they're rehearsing today?" Quinn asks as she, Santana, and Brittany lead the group as they begin to walk toward the building.

"Vocal Adrenaline rehearses every day from 2:30 until midnight." Rachel says seriously to the group but looking to Tina who is walking beside her in the back. Ahead of them, Kurt and Mercedes are walking arm-in-arm, to which they exchange a strange look.

"I'm just so nervous these Vocal Adrenaline kids are gonna laugh at us." Mercedes says to Kurt. "They're so cool and popular, and we look like we just stepped off the short bus."

"Those sweaty Nazis have just had more time to practice. We have more heart." Kurt assures her. "And you don't look touched in the head. That outfit is amazing."

Mercedes smiles appreciatively before looking to the three Cheerios who smile encouragingly, one if not a bit hesitant. "So would you ever—you know, wanna hang out?"

Rachel and Tina look on a bit disbelievingly.

"Come over. It's Liza Minnelli week on AMC." Kurt suggests.

"Guys," Rachel interjects, breaking to the front of the line. "That's Andrea Cohen. She won outstanding soloist last year in 'Absolutely Tampastic'."

Rachel is referring to a dark skinned girl vomiting into a trashcan outside of Vocal Adrenaline's amphitheater as an Asian girl wearing a neck brace stands behind her; the two are wearing matching dance outfits. The New Directions stand back in disgust as the girl retches.

"You can't leave rehearsals for any reason." The girl, Shoshandra, says to her friend as she holds her hair back. Rachel boldly steps forward to approach them. "That includes heat exhaustion or Crohn's disease."

"Are you guys Vocal Adrenaline?" Rachel asks unnecessarily. "We'd like to talk to Dakota Stanley about choreographing for our Glee Club."

"Don't!" Andrea warns, sobbingly. "He's a monster."

* * *

**Mercy by Duffy**

**Performed by Vocal Adrenaline**

**GISELLE:  
Hit the beat and take it to the verse now**

VOCAL ADRENALINE:  
Yeah, yeah, yeah,  
Yeah, yeah, yeah,  
Yeah, yeah, yeah,  
Yeah, yeah, yeah,  
Oh, whoa, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRLS (VOCAL ADRENALINE):  
I love you (ooh, ooh)  
But I gotta stay true (ooh, ooh)  
My morals got me on my knees  
I'm begging please stop playing games (ooh, ooh)

VOCAL ADRENALINE BOYS:  
I don't know what this is  
But you got me good  
Like you knew you would

VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRLS:  
Like you knew you would  
I don't know what you do  
But you do it well

VOCAL ADRENALINE BOYS:  
I'm under your spell (VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRLS: I've got you under my spell)

VOCAL ADRENALINE:  
You got me begging you for mercy (Yeah, yeah, yeah)  
Why won't you release me? (Yeah, yeah, yeah)  
You got me begging you for mercy (Yeah, yeah, yeah)  
Why won't you release me? (Yeah, yeah, yeah) (GISELLE: Oh whoa oh, oh whoa)  
I said release me (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRLS:  
Now you think that I (ooh, ooh)  
Will be something on the side (ooh, ooh)  
But you got to understand that I need a man  
Who can take my hand (ooh) yes I do... (GISELLE: Ooh!)

VOCAL ADRENALINE BOYS:  
I don't know what this is  
But you got me good  
Like you knew you would (GISELLE: Like I knew you would)

VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRLS:  
Like you knew you would  
I don't know what you do  
But you do it well (Ah, ah, aaah)

VOCAL ADRENALINE BOYS:  
I'm under your spell (VOCAL ADRENALINE GIRLS: Got you under my spell)

VOCAL ADRENALINE:  
(JESSE: Oh, whoa, oh) You got me begging you for mercy (Yeah, yeah, yeah)  
Why won't you release me? (Yeah, yeah, yeah)  
You got me begging you for mercy (Yeah, yeah, yeah) (GISELLE: Begging you for mercy!)  
Why won't you release me? (Yeah, yeah, yeah) (JESSE: Whoa, oh, oh, oh, ohh)  
I said release me (Yeah, yeah, yeah) (GISELLE: Release me)

VOCAL ADRENALINE (GIRLS):  
I'm begging you for mercy (You look at me and think we're the same kind, 'Cause you don't know what I got)  
Just why won't you release me (I'm gonna get more than I'm asking for, But I just don't want to waste my time)  
I'm begging you for mercy (You know that I'll be the other girl, Just like there's nothing in this world)

VOCAL ADRENALINE:  
You got me begging (JESSE: You got me)  
You got me begging (JESSE: You got me)  
You got me begging (JESSE: You got me begging)

Please, please, please  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah) Mercy, mercy, show me some mercy (JESSE: Whoo hoo)  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah) Mercy, mercy, show me some mercy  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah) Mercy, mercy, show me some mercy (GISELLE: Mercy)  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah) Mercy, mercy, show me some mercy  
I said release me (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

(JESSE: You got me begging you) You got me begging you for mercy (Yeah, yeah, yeah)  
(JESSE: You got me begging you) Why won't you release me? (Yeah, yeah, yeah)  
You got me begging you for mercy (Yeah, yeah, yeah)  
Why won't you release me? (Yeah, yeah, yeah) (GISELLE: Give me some mercy!)  
I said release me (Yeah, yeah, yeah) (GISELLE: Release me, yeah, yeah)

(Yeah, yeah, yeah) I'm begging you for mercy  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah) Just why won't you release me?  
(GISELLE: Release me) (JESSE: Release me)  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah) I'm begging you for mercy (GISELLE: I'm begging)  
(Yeah, yeah, yeah) Just why won't you release me? (JESSE: Yeah, yeah)

The number is just as impressive and intimidating as the last one. This one along with the adlibs from previous singer Giselle there is a male voice along with hers. That voice belongs to Jesse St. James: brunet, blue-eyed, and quick-witted (you _definitely _want to remember him). Despite all this a small, angry looking man in all black carrying a walking stick barks at them, "_Get off my stage_!" They all quickly scramble. This is Dakota Stanley. The McKinley kids sit in the audience looking a little frightened themselves, though Quinn and Santana share another evil grin.

* * *

When rehearsals finally end around midnight the New Directions chase down Dakota before he and a leggy blonde woman can drive away in his red sport's car.

"Mr. Stanley," Rachel calls, approaching the vehicle. "We're the McKinley High Glee Club!"

"No interviews!" Stanley calls back, starting up the car.

"W-We'd like you to choreograph for us." Tina stammers.

"Look," he says turning to them. "My fee is eight thousand dollars per number, plus a ten thousand dollar bonus if you place in the top three. And with Dakota Stanley at the wheel, you _will_ place at the top three." He gestures for them to step back. "Move it." He slams on the breaks and peels away from the group, the tires screeching.

"How are we going to get _eight thousand_ dollars?" Rachel asks.

* * *

The following day Will is helping Ken through some choreography in the choir room. He struggles, getting frustrated, but continues on as Will encourages him.

"Hey," Ken asks once they take a break. "Where is everybody?"

Will's cell phone begins to ring in his pocket and he reaches for it. "Sandy went to get Henri from wood shop, and—oh, there's Howard. Hello?"

Howard sits in the back room at Sheets-N-Things, using the white corded phone. "I don't think I can be in the band anymore."

"What?" Will asks.

"Like doing inventory, it was never my dream." Howard says simply before hanging up.

Will sighs, putting the phone to his head and closing it. "Howard's out." He tells Ken.

Ken groans. "Oh, that—that's just great. What's he—" Ken stops when he turns around to see that Emma has entered the room. "Hey, Emma, you didn't, uh, see me dancin' earlier, did you?"

"Oh, is that what that was?" Emma asks. "Look, I have some bad news."

"You're breakin' up with me." Ken assumes. "What, here in front of another dude?" He whispers, leaning toward her.

"No. Please stop talking." Emma asks awkwardly. "Um, no, look, I think the Acafellas pressure has proven to be a little too much for Henri."

"Really? Why?" Will asks.

"Well, he just downed six bottles of cough syrup, which is a lot even for him." Emma explains. "Um, he's okay. Sandy's in the emergency room with him now, but Figgins is insisting before he comes back—and can be around kids again—that he goes to rehab, so that's where he's going tomorrow morning."

Both Will and Ken look obviously frustrated, Will with his hands on his hips and looking at the ceiling while Ken pinches the bridge of his nose.

"That's just great." Ken gripes. "So Acafellas is officially doomed now." He drops his arms. "Do you know, uh—When I get stressed, I—I work out. You can probably tell. So I'm gonna, uh, down some power bars, knock off a few reps, come up with some solutions here." He makes his way to the door and leaves.

"It was fun while it lasted." Will says, obviously disappointed.

"I don't think you should give up so easy, Will." Emma says. "You know, they said Van Halen was dead after David Lee Roth quit, but my worn-out single of 'Right Now' says that they were wrong." She shrugs before leaving the room as well, leaving Will to think.

* * *

Will is sitting at his desk on his laptop in his Spanish classroom making an ad for members to join Acafellas when he hears a knock on the door. He looks up to see Finn.

"You got a sec, Mr. Schue?" he asks, entering the room.

"Yeah, of course, what's up?" Will asks, turning back to his computer.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm quitting Glee too." Finn tells him.

Will looks up at that. "I didn't quit Glee."

"Well, you might as well have." Finn says. "It's nutty in there. I try and talk sense into Rachel, but she's gone all chick batty. And, I've gotta be honest with you. It's hard bein' the quarterback when I get in the huddle and all the guys are calling me 'Deep Throat'. Glee's bringing down my rep, man."

Will sighs, looking up to his student. "Have the **guts** to stick with it a little bit longer. You are a gifted performer, Finn. You can't quit now. If you do, you're just gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me, I know."

"It's just not fun anymore." Finn says.

Will sighs as Finn turns around to leave the classroom. He looks at the online advertisement he's attempting to make and comes up with an idea. "Hey, Finn, wait." Finn looks to his teacher. "There's something I wanna talk to you about."

* * *

Ken is looking through papers on a clipboard in the boy's locker room when he's approached by Puck who has a white towel slung around his neck.

"Hey, Coach." Puck greets.

"What do you want, Puckerman?" Ken asks without looking up.

"I hear there's a vacancy in your a capella group. I wanna offer my services." Puck throws the towel down. "I play guitar, and actually, I'm a really good singer." He pauses for a moment as Ken looks up from his clipboard. "There are a lot of moms at your gigs, right?"

_"Well, here's the thing you should know about me. I'm not like everybody else in this crappy cow town. I've got star potential, and more specifically, I'm tired of wasting my time with high school girls."_

**_*Flashback*_**

Puck is talking with Santana in the school hallway.

"You're breaking up with me." Puck more states than asks. Santana nods. "Why?"

"Your credit score is terrible." She says, holding up a stack of papers before putting them to his chest for him to take. "What I need, as a woman, is financial security."

_"See, young girls will shoot you down and make you feel terrible about yourself."_

Puck stands shirtless by an above ground pool, sunglasses on his head and chewing a piece of gum, as an attractive middle-aged woman, Mrs. Holloway, approaches him with a tray holding a pitcher of lemonade and two glasses with umbrellas.

_"But a cougar… never disappoints."_

**La Camisa Negra by Juanes**

**Performed by Noah Puckerman**

**Tengo la camisa negra  
Hoy mi amor está de luto**

"Thanks, Mrs. H." Puck says, taking a glass.

"Is that a nipple ring?" she asks, referring to his left peck.

"Yeah, I'm kind of rock and roll." Puck brags.

**Hoy tengo en el alma una pena  
Y es por culpa de tu embrujo**

"I need your help unclogging my bathtub drain." Mrs. Holloway says in a seductive voice before strutting back toward her house, her hips swaying suggestively.

**Hoy sé que tú ya no me quieres  
Y eso es lo que más hiere**

_"The proof was in the sexual pudding."_

**Que tengo la camisa negra  
Porque negra tengo el alma**

Puck fixes the pH balance on a Jacuzzi at another woman's house as she rubs suntan lotion on her leg Mrs. Robinson style.

_"My aboveground pool cleaning business went through the roof once I embraced my gift for music and gave these fine ladies the romance they were missing. I also stopped beatin' people up so much."_

**_*End of Flashback*_**

"When do we start rehearsals?" Puck asks Coach Tanaka back in the locker room.

Ken puts down the clipboard and grabs Puck roughly by the shirt until their faces are inches apart. "Now you listen to me, you little psychopath. My love life is hanging by a thread, and that thread is Acafellas. It drives my girlfriend nuts in the pants. So if you screw this up for me, I swear to you, I will stick my fist so far down your throat, you will taste my armpit hairs! Do I make myself clear?" Ken finishes on an intense whisper. Puck nods. "Good. We rehearse Tuesdays and Thursdays at eight." He says, releasing his grip on Puck and picking up his clipboard. "Don't be late."

* * *

The next day Mr. Schue is having an extra rehearsal with Finn and Puck in the choir room. He plays a fast tempo on a guitar as Puck slowly loses patients with a fumbling Finn. When Finn's side-step kicks Puck in the leg he retaliates by pushing Finn into a music stand.

"Dude, my _bowels_ have better moves than you." Puck snaps.

"Guys, stop." Mr. Schue says, removing the guitar strap from around him and putting the instrument back on its stand. "You guys got the steps down. You just… need to relax, okay?" he moves his arms around, thinking for a moment. "You guys have played baseball, right? What do you do when it comes to hitting?"

"When you charge the pitcher, bring the bat." Puck supplies.

"Um, no, it's that you gotta relax, right? 'Cause hitting's all about the hips, right?" Finn and Puck start moving around, trying to relax their muscles while Will mimes swinging a baseball bat. "Gotta loosen 'em up. Just swing that bat, alright." He stretches out his arms facing the wall. "Pretend—Acafellas, Madison Square Garden. Here we are. All those beautiful ladies out there." Now all three of them are miming the movement. "Swing that big ol' bat. Bam! Hit some home runs, alright, guys? Alright." He picks up the guitar again. "Let's try from the top, okay? Here we go."

Finn and Puck get back into position and dance along to Mr. Schue's strumming and count. He encourages them throughout as they keep in step/rhythm. "That's it! Alright!"

They all laugh triumphantly, Finn high-fiving his teacher. "That baseball thing sure was good, Mr. Schue."

"Totally," Puck agrees as Will gives a modest nod.

* * *

Mercedes is at her locker, rearranging books when she is approached by Rachel and Tina.

"We need to have a gayvention." Is Rachel's form of greeting. "That's a _gay_ intervention."

Mercedes rolls her eyes at her.

"It's K-K-Kurt." Tina pipes up before whispering, "He's _lady_ fabulous."

Mercedes rolls her eyes again.

"It's obvious you like him." Rachel continues. "We just don't want you to get hurt by feelings he can't… reciprocate."

"Look," Mercedes says, grabbing some books from her locker and clutching them against her chest. "Just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down low."

"He wore a _corset_ to second period today." Rachel urges.

Mercedes shrugs indifferently.

"You can do better, Mercedes." Tina insists.

"Really? Well, what if I can't? You know, there's not a lot of guys around here knocking down my door for a date. Or yours, for that matter." She finishes, looking at Rachel. "Nobody notices us. Hello?" She waves her hand in front of their faces. "We're in Glee Club. And I'm tired of being lonely. Aren't you? But Kurt—Kurt is sweet to me, and he likes who I am and I like how I feel when I'm with him. And he's in our group. He understands what I'm going through. Now maybe that's not enough for you guys, but it's enough for me." She closes her locker and walks away, leaving Rachel and Tina standing there.

* * *

The next day the Glee Club and Cheerios are out in the school parking lot. Several cars are parked, getting washed down with water, soap, and sponges. While the Glee kids are variously dressed, wearing clothes they don't mind getting wet (in the exception of Kurt and Mercedes who are always dressed to impress) the Cheerios have paired their cheerleading skirts with red bikini tops, knee socks, and high-heeled sneakers. A banner hangs above them all proclaiming, "Glee Club Car Wash".

"You know what, Sue?" Emma asks the Cheerleading Coach as the two women oversee the event. "I gotta say I really misjudged you. Getting the Cheerios to help out with the Glee Club choreographer fund-raiser is one of the nicest things I've ever seen."

"Well, Erma," Sue begins, purposely butchering Emma's simple name. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this Glee Club successful."

Emma decides to breeze past the awkward moment. "Oh, I love a good car wash too, you know. When I was little if I got all A's, my dad would let me wash his car, so I'd get my little toothbrush out, and I'd clean it all weekend long—"

"You know, the way you use your mental illness to help these kids is really inspiring." Sue says, cutting her off. "I'm shocked you're not married."

"I'm not that you aren't." Emma mutters to herself.

* * *

Mercedes stands from where she was crouching down by the front right wheel of Kurt's car, leaning against the hood holding a rag. "Your rims are clean. We polished them, like, three times already."

Kurt looks up from where he was looking at his reflection in the hood, fixing his hair. "Sorry, you can never quiet tell with all the rust. Did you bring a change of clothes? Because we're going straight to the sing-along _Sound of Music_."

"So, listen, Kurt," Mercedes begins. "This is, like, the third time we've gone out. Can't we just make it official?"

"Make _what _official?" Kurt asks warily.

"You know, that we're dating." Mercedes says with a smile.

Kurt tries to stifle a laugh. "I'm sorry, Mercedes, but I thought I made it very clear." He looks at a point over her shoulder. "I'm in love with someone else."

Finn stands two cars away spreading a rag along the hood. By the time Mercedes turns around Rachel, donned in a pink rain jacket is standing next to the car between there's and Finn's, ringing out a sponge.

"Rachel?" Mercedes asks incredulously, turning back to Kurt.

"Yes." Kurt says with sudden nervousness. "For several years now." He tries to nonchalantly go back to scrubbing his station wagon.

Mercedes is enraged. She picks up a fist-sized rock and throws it through the weak windshield of Kurt's car. Kurt stares wide-eyed at the hole the stone created as Mercedes looks at him angrily for a moment. She begins to walk off, a group of Cheerios behind her harmonizing and beginning to dance.

**Bust Your Windows by Jazmine Sullivan**

**Performed by Mercedes Jones with the Cheerios**

**CHEERIOS:  
Ahhhhhh, Ahhhhhh...**

MERCEDES:  
I bust the windows out your car  
And though it didn't mend my broken heart  
I'll probably always have these ugly scars  
But right now I don't care about that part

I bust the windows out your car (Hey!)  
After I saw you looking right at her  
I didn't wanna but I took my turn  
I'm glad I did it cuz you had to learn (learn...)

Mercedes and the Cheerios along with Kurt's damaged vehicle are on the stage in the auditorium, along with spotlights and a fog machine. Mercedes alternates between singing at the front with a microphone to standing on the hood of the car.

**I must admit it helped a little bit (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
To think of how you felt when you saw it (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
I didn't know that I had that much strength (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
But I'm glad you see what happens when (CHEERIOS: whoa)**

You see you can't just play with people's feelings (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
Tell them you love them and don't mean it (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
You'll probably say that it was juvenile (CHEERIOS: wo-)  
But I think that I deserve to smile ha, ha, ha, ha (CHEERIOS: whoa)

I bust the windows out ya car (CHEERIOS: wo-)  
You know I did it cuz I left my mark (CHEERIOS: wo-ah ah)  
Wrote my initials with a crowbar (CHEERIOS: ah-ah wo)  
And then I drove off into the dark (CHEERIOS: wo-ah-ah)  
I bust the windows out ya car, hey (CHEERIOS: wo-)

The Cheerios begin to knock out the remaining windows with crowbars.

**You should feel lucky that was all I did (CHEERIOS: wo-)  
(CHEERIOS: wo-)  
After five whole years of this bull-shh! (CHEERIOS: ah-ah)  
Gave you all of me and you played with it (CHEERIOS: Oh, oh, oh, ooh)**

I must admit it helped a little bit (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
To think of how you'd feel when you saw it (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
I didn't think that I had that much strength (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
But I'm glad you see what happens when (CHEERIOS: whoa)

You see you can't just play with people's feelings (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
Tell them you love them and don't mean it (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
You probably say that it was juvenile (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
But I think that I deserve to smile (CHEERIOS: whoa)

Bust windows out yo car  
But it don't come back to my broken heart  
You could neva feel I how I felt that day  
Until that happens baby you don't know pain, no whoa!(CHEERIOS: whoa-)

(CHEERIOS: Yeah I did it)  
You should know it (CHEERIOS: You should know it)  
I ain't sorry (CHEERIOS: I ain't sorry)  
You deserved it (CHEERIOS: You deserved it)  
After what you did to me (CHEERIOS: After what you did)  
You deserve it (CHEERIOS: You deserve it)  
I ain't sorry no ohhh (CHEERIOS: I ain't sorry, I ain't sorry)

(CHEERIOS: Broke my heart, broke your car)  
You caused me pain (CHEERIOS: You caused me pain, so I did the same)  
Even though what you did to me was much worse (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
I had to do something to make you hurt (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)

Oh but why am I still crying (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
Why am I the one who's still crying (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
Oh, oh you really hurt me baby (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)  
You really, you really hurt me baby (CHEERIOS: ah-ah-ah)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey  
Now watch me you  
Now watch me

Mercedes stands alone on stage.

**I bust the windows out your car.**

"You busted my window." Kurt says, bringing Mercedes back to herself. The whole number had been a fantasy. "How could you do that? You busted my window!"

"Well, you busted my heart." Mercedes says after a moment. "Hmm!" she walks off for real this time, leaving Kurt to stare at the damage.

* * *

Dakota Stanley, looking like a grumpy dwarf stands before the New Directions. In his hand he holds a stack of clear presentation folders, using his other hand to distribute them to the correct student. He hands one to Tina, then holds one out to Artie before snatching it away as soon as he reaches for it and hands it to Mercedes instead. After handing one to Kurt he very obviously passes Brittany, Quinn, and Santana before handing the remaining two to Rachel and Finn. "Okay, please examine your personalized menus. This is what you're going to be eating for the next six months."

"Um, mine just says 'coffee.'" Mercedes speaks up.

"Mm-hmm," Dakota nods.

"What's '_smelt_'?" Rachel asks, looking at the word distastefully.

"A pungent, low carb freshwater fish," Dakota explains, hands on his hips as he walks up and down the line of Glee Clubbers. "Okay, let's start with today's business. Artie, you're cut. You're not trying hard enough."

"At what?" Artie asks, confused.

"At walking." Most of the Glee kids look offended. "We can't be wheeling you around during every number. Throws off the whole dynamic, and it's depressing."

"So you're kicking him out?" Mercedes asks incredulously.

"Mm-hmm," Dakota says again. "Also you; that menu was just a parting gift. You's gotta go, Effie." Mercedes looks ready to punch him.

"You can't kick people out of Glee Club because you don't like the way they look." Kurt snaps at him. Mercedes looks surprised to see him coming to her defense.

"Uh, why don't you shut your face gash and stay away from aerosol cans, because you could burst into flames at any second." He continues to walk down the line, ignoring Kurt's scornful look. He passes the three cheerleaders, "You three, you're great. You're perfect. Seriously, don't change a thing." He gets to Rachel, "Uh, you—Ugh. Nose job."

"Now just hold on a second—" Finn tries.

"What? What was that, Frankenteen?" Dakota asks, putting a hand to his ear. "Why don't you, uh, wipe that dopey look off your face and get some lotion for those knuckles you've been draggin' on the ground?"

"What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall! I feel like a _woodland creature_!" Finn blinks at him. Mr. Stanley walks back to address them all. "Am I hurting your feelings? Did I say something wrong? Because I thought you wanted somebody who respected you enough to tell you the _truth_. But maybe you don't have the **confidence** to hear it. Hmm? Maybe you need somebody who's going to _lie_ to you and tell you things like, 'You got what it takes.' But you know what? As far as I can see, you don't. So, why don't you just take a little second, take a breather and ask yourself, 'Do I wanna be a winner—'" Rachel looks to the Unholy Trinity, "'Or not?'"

"Screw this." Finn says. "I quit." He heads toward the exit.

"Me t-t-too," Tina agrees, following him.

"Let's roll, Artie." Mercedes says, slamming her menu into the boy's lap before grabbing the handles of his chair and following Finn and Tina toward the door. Kurt quickly shuffles after them.

"No great. Great! Separate the wheat from the chaff. That's perfect." Dakota says as one by one the students pass him.

"Wait." Rachel calls. The Glee Clubbers turn around to face her. "Barbra Streisand." Rachel says, everyone looks confusedly at her, before she turns to face Dakota Stanley. "When Barbra was a young ingénue everyone told her in order to be a star, she'd have to get a nose job. Thankfully, she refused."

"Where's this going, Yentl?" Dakota Stanley asks impatiently.

"Where it's going is that… we don't need you. Let's face it. We're never gonna be as good of dancers as Vocal Adrenaline. We're gonna win because… we're different. And that's what makes us special." Finn smiles at her.

"They told J. Lo her booty was too big." Mercedes agrees sassily, before walking away from the door, back into the line.

"Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed." Artie adds, wheeling after her with Kurt and Tina following him.

"Jim Abbott." Finn says simply, walking back with the rest.

"I have no idea who that is." Kurt murmurs.

"He was a one-armed pitcher for the Yankees. Pitched a no-hitter." Rachel gives him an encouraging smile.

"Okay, so—misfits and spaz-heads and cripples can make it too. That's great. What's your point?" Dakota asks.

"Our point is that…" Rachel says, walking to Dakota until they're face to face. "You're fired." The Glee Club all smile. Rachel looks down on him. "And I'm taller than you."

Rachel looks to Finn again, who is smiling widely at her, making her miss Dakota Stanley's grumbled out, "Barely."

* * *

It's the night of the P.T.A. event. There are mirrors and tables set up backstage. The Acafellas, minus Howard and Henri and plus Finn, Puck, and Sandy are all wearing tuxedos. Ken stares into a mirror, his eyes wide as he takes a black make up brush to his eyelashes.

"Wait. We have to wear mascara?" Finn asks, crouching beside his football coach.

Ken lowers the brush. "Sandy says it makes our eyes pop."

Finn walks away, exhaling deeply, trying to shake his nerves.

"There's a lot of moms out there, right?" Puck asks, adjusting his cummerbund.

"Guys, don't worry about it." Mr. Schue says, his bowtie lying undone around his neck. "Just get in the zone, alright? This is gonna be fun. Believe me. You're gonna remember this night for the rest of your lives." He begins to adjust Finn's bowtie.

"Mr. Schue?"

"I know. You're nervous." He continues, smoothing his lapel.

"No, that isn't what I wanted to tell you." Finn interrupts. "It's just… thanks… for believing in me." The two share a smile.

"He's here!" Sandy yells, running to meet the others backstage, panting slightly. "He's here! Josh Groban is here. Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed."

"He actually showed up?" Will asks. "I can't believe it."

"Gentlemen," Sandy begins seriously, talking with his hands. "Forget every experience you have ever had in your drab little lives. This is the most important thing you will ever do. Places!"

* * *

The Acafellas stand in the darkness onstage when five green and orange lighting backgrounds come to life, the men become visible when the front lights go up.

**I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd**

**Performed by Acafellas**

**SANDY (PUCK):  
Ah tick tock you don't stop (stop to the)  
Ah tick tock you don't stop (stop to the)**

(ACAFELLAS) WILL, PUCK, FINN and SANDY:  
(Oooh) a tick tock don't stop  
(Oooh) a tick tock don't stop

SANDY:  
I know you're not going to sing that song

(ACAFELLAS) WILL, PUCK, FINN and SANDY:  
(Oooh) a tick tock don't stop  
(Oooh) a tick tock don't stop

SANDY:  
I know you're not going to sing that song

From the audience Emma, Terri, and Will's parents are watching, looking along with the audience quiet amused.

**WILL:  
Come inside, take off your coat  
I'll make you feel at home**

Terri smiles from the crowd.

**Now let's pour a glass of wine  
'Cause now we're all alone  
I've been waiting all night  
So just let me hold you close to me  
'Cause I've been dyin' for you girl  
To make love to me**

Terri smiles again, a little surprised by her husband's lasting talent.

**(ACAFELLAS) PUCK:  
(Oooh) Girl, you make me feel real good  
(Oooh) We can do it 'til we both wake up**

(ACAFELLAS) FINN:  
(Oooh) Girl, you know I'm hooked on you

(ACAFELLAS) WILL:  
(Oooh) And this is what I'll do

(ACAFELLAS) WILL, PUCK, FINN and SANDY:  
(Oooh) I wanna sex you up

(ACAFELLAS) WILL:  
(Oooh) All night I want to rub you down

(ACAFELLAS) WILL, PUCK, FINN and SANDY:  
(Oooh) I wanna sex you up  
(Oooh)

(ACAFELLAS) PUCK:  
Let me take off all your clothes  
Disconnect the phone so nobody knows, yeah

Puck dances suggestively for the moms in the audience, even getting a reaction out of Sue.

**Let me light a candle  
So that we can make it better  
Makin' love until we drown **

Emma is jamming along in her seat.

**(Oooh) Girl, you know, it feels real good  
(Oooh) We can do it 'til we both wake up**

(ACAFELLAS) FINN:  
(Oooh) Girl, you know I'm hooked on you

(ACAFELLAS) WILL:  
(Oooh) And this is what I'll do

Terri smiles, still admiring Will.

**(ACAFELLAS) WILL, PUCK, FINN and SANDY:  
(Oooh) I wanna sex you up.**

The crowd cheers, getting to its feet as the song comes to an end. Sue remains firmly in her seat as she gives the performance the lack luster hand clap she thinks it deserves. It had been filled with tight a cappella harmonies and easy flowing and appropriate choreography (despite Puck's impromptu jacket fall, stage slide, and air hump). The performers are elated, smiling and high-fiving one another. Terri's smile falters again when she notices Emma's praising applause is not aimed at her own boyfriend. The Acafellas take a final bow.

* * *

"I would like to just go into the recording studio and lay some of those tracks down." Sandy tells Principal Figgins while clutching a bouquet of pink roses, as if the man actually cares. As he speaks a large, tough-looking man wearing all black walks in, with celebrity guest of the P.T.A. event, Josh Groban. Finn is the first to notice, notifying Will with a shoulder tap, who passes it along to Sandy. "And of course, I would love to play some bigger venues—Wembley Stadium, Red Rocks." The man turns to face his idol gasping.

"Hey, guys." The celebrity greets, waving. "I'm Josh Groban. This is my bodyguard, Flex." He gestures to the big, dark-skinned man at his side. "We were in town. I was inducting Run-D.M.C. into the Rock-N-Roll Hall of Fame last night, so I thought I'd stop by and say hello. So which one of you is, uh, Sandy?"

"Ooh!" Sandy indicates, holding up a finger, he laughs giddily. "Mr. Groban, we are so honored that you came here today."

"I came here to tell you—"

"Yes, sir,"

"Stop e-mailing me." Many of the surrounding crowd's faces fall. "This is a restraining order." Josh says, handing a piece of paper to Sandy. "Stop sending me nude photos. Stop calling me! I don't know how you got my number; I don't know how you got my number again after I changed it, but I don't want any more of your edible gift baskets or locks of your hair. And I don't wanna read any more of those sonnets you wrote for me."

"That stuff got crazy, dude." Flex agrees.

"Are we clear?" Groban asks. Sandy nods. "Thank you, gentlemen, and, by the way, _great show_," he says giving a thumbs up. The other Acafellas members nod appreciatively. "I mean, like—" he imitates an explosion noise. "Explosive."

Josh Groban and Flex make to leave while Sandy watches them mournfully and everyone else tries not to look at Sandy out of sheer awkward.

* * *

Will and Terri are walking away from the school and into the parking lot. There are clusters of people chatting around them as they walk in the nighttime toward their car.

"I'm sorry, Will." Terri says. "I—I could have been more supportive. You guys were actually pretty good." Will turns to her then. "Honey, you were good. You were really good."

"Yeah?" Will asks.

"Yeah."

Will removes the scarf from around his neck and places it around his wife's, causing her to chuckle, before he reels her in for a kiss.

"Don't bother. She's already pregnant." Will's father says, coming up behind them. They turn to him, laughing. "Hey, kids. Have you seen Doodle?"

**_*Flashback*_**

Will's mother is hanging out back stage with Josh Groban who is sitting at a makeup table, pouring a glass of wine. "Now, you might be thinking, why would a pop star like me come over here and talk to you? But let me tell you something. Throngs of screaming teenagers don't do it for Josh Groban. No. Josh Groban loves a blowsy alcoholic."

Mrs. Schuester burps suddenly, smiling it off drunkenly, and leaning against the table for support. "You'll have to forgive me. I'm a little bit drunk, and I'm afraid I'm not making good choices right now."

Josh Groban licks his lips in anticipation

**_*End of Flashback*_**

"Maybe she slipped and hit her head again." Terri suggests, before walking off to the car.

"You guys kicked some serious tail up there tonight." Mr. Schuester says, wrapping an arm around his son as they begin to walk. "Sorry about the whole Josh Groban thing."

"No, that's alright. How are the other guys takin' it?"

"That Ryerson guy cried himself to sleep in Figgins' arms, and Ken Tanaka is raiding the nacho bar." He stops walking and turns to face Will. "What about you? You okay?"

"You know what, Dad? I am." Will says. "I mean, this was all a dream come true, but… I'm a teacher, and a really good one." He shrugs. "That's enough for me."

"I know." Will's father says. "I saw the way your students look at you. You inspire people… inspired me."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to law school. Night classes for now, until I get all my prerequisites, but I registered yesterday. You made me realize it's never too late to grow a pair and go after your dream."

"That's amazing," Will reaches out and hugs his father. "That's so amazing."

The two men embrace for a moment, coming to an end when Schuester Senior pats Schuester Junior on the back. "I'm gonna go find your mother."

* * *

In the hallway at school the next day Mercedes nervously approaches Kurt at his locker. "Hey Kurt," Kurt looks up from where he had been messing with a scarf hanging from a hook. He sees her but does not respond, looking back to his locker. "I just wanted to say, I'm _really_ sorry I did that to your car. I'll pay for it to get fixed."

"It's okay," Kurt begins. "My dad literally owns a car place, getting it fixed isn't the issue. Explaining it was."

Mercedes grimaces guiltily again, but charges on. "And I just wanted to say, I hope it works out between you and Rachel—you'll have really cute, _loud_ babies." She finishes with a smile and turns to leave.

"Mercedes," Kurt calls to her, closing his locker. "I lied to you. I-I don't like Rachel." He looks around them nervously, checking to make sure they're alone before stammering, "I'm gay."

Mercedes gives him a wide-eyed look. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because I've never told anyone before."

"You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Kurt." Mercedes assures him. Kurt tries not to look at her as a tear runs down his cheek. "You should just tell people, especially the kids in Glee. The whole point of the club is about expressing what's really inside you. Remember?"

"I can't." Kurt gives her a bittersweet smile. "I'm just not that **confident**, I guess."

He walks past her and down the hallway, her watching him go.

* * *

"Let me get this straight." Sue says, facing the Unholy Trinity in her office that same day during Glee rehearsal. "The Glee Club got rid of Dakota Stanley, Mr. Schuester's back, and they're busy at work on a new number, more **confident** than ever."

_The rest of the Glee Club is being led through choreography by Mr. Schue in the choir room._

"This is what we call a total disaster, ladies. I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits."

The three Cheerios exchange looks before hesitantly lifting their arms and sniffing at their armpits. Brittany smiles slightly as the other two wear grimaces.

"That's the smell of failure. And it's stinking up my office." Sue continues. She picks up her glasses, placing them on her face before picking up a pen and writing something on a sheet on her desk. "I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester."

Santana begins to sob before getting up and leaving the room with Brittany trailing behind, trying to comfort her. Quinn moves to follow them, but once she reaches the door, she turns back to face the cheerleading coach. "Miss Sylvester, I wanna thank you."

"For what?" she asks, removing her glasses.

"For teaching me a valuable life lesson." Quinn continues. "When you really believe in yourself, you don't have to bring other people down." She leaves the room then, leaving Sue with a puzzled expression on her face.

* * *

The routine Mr. Schue is coaching the kids through is coming to a close. He speaks the moves as he does them and they mirror him, a melody being played along by Brad, the Piano Guy.

"Uh, what do you guys think?" Will asks.

"Mr. Schuester?" Rachel asks seriously, raising her hand.

"Yes, Rachel?" Will asks warily.

Rachel hesitates for a moment before smiling. "It was really good."

The whole group laughs then applauds for Mr. Schue.

"Thank you, thank you." He says modestly. "Okay, from the top!"

* * *

**MAIN CAST**

**Dianna Agron as Quinn Fabray**

**Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel**

**Kevin McHale as Artie Abrams**

**Lea Michele as Rachel Berry**

**Cory Monteith as Finn Hudson**

**Matthew Morrison as Will Schuester**

**Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones**

**Mark Salling as Noah Puckerman**

**Jenna Ushkowitz as Tina Cohen-Chang**

**Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester**

**Jayma Mays as Emma Pillsbury**

**Jessalyn Gilsig as Terri Schuester**

**SPECIAL GUEST STAR**

**Josh Groban as Himself**

**GUEST CAST**

**Stephen Tobolowsky as Sandy Ryerson**

**Patrick Gallagher as Ken Tanaka**

**Iqbal Theba as Principal Figgins**

**John Lloyd Young as Henri St. Pierre**

**Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez**

**Heather Morris as Brittany Pierce**

**Debra Monk as Mrs. Schuester**

**Victor Garber as Mr. Schuester**

**Whit Hertford as Dakota Stanley**

**Kent Avenido as Howard Bamboo**

**CO-STARS**

**Marie Caldare as Mrs. Holloway**

**Maxine English as Mrs. Robinson**

**Gregory Hinton as Flex, the Bodyguard**

**Brooke Newton as Leggy Blonde**

**Vivian Nixon as Andrea Cohen**

**Shelby Rabara as Shoshandra**

**Taisha Monique Clark as Giselle**

**Jonathan Groff as Jesse St. James**

* * *

Next Episode: Preggers


End file.
